Sunday, 3 April 2011

Mamma Mia!

Another early start for me, I'm getting used to being up with the larks now and any wake up call later than 6am feels like a treat - it was 7am this morning and I felt myself smile when I looked at the clock as it felt like a lie in! I was woken up with a coughing fit this morning. It seems like the bug is on its way out and I'm generally feeling more comfortable, but the cough is pretty vicious and decides to attack every now and then.

Today is Mother's Day and my head is full of thoughts. I'm thinking of my lovely Mum who is away on her jollies, taking in the sunshine in Palm Island in the Grendadines with my Dad and my sister. I hope she has a beautiful day today and they are spoiling her rotten. I'm going to text her after I've written this to let her know she's in my head. I'm thinking of the Boy's Mum too, who is also super lovely and who I feel very lucky to have in my life. We're heading down to Guildford to have lunch with her today in a lovely Thai restaurant, with the Boy's brother too. It had been a bit touch and go whether I'd make it as I've been so poorly  - and I sadly missed a much-anticipated dinner at a friend's last night - but I starting to recover and a few hours out of the house at lunchtime shouldn't set me back too much. I haven't been dressed and in make-up since Monday so leaving the flat could be a bit of a shock!

I'm also thinking today of friends of mine who have new children, celebrating their first Mother's Day as a family, and more sadly friends of mine who have lost children - today must be another very difficult day for them. I've got friends and family who've lost babies - both very early and very late in pregnancy - and being pregnant myself with a longed-for baby I can only just begin to imagine how heart-breaking it must be for them.

And I'm aware that sadness may well yet lie ahead for me and the Boy as we approach 11 weeks. We're not out of the woods yet, and I don't think I'll totally relax until we get to 40 weeks and hopefully a baby arrives - and even then I'm not sure relax will be the right word! I hadn't anticipated that while I feel so happy and delighted, there is an undercurrent of anxiety there most of the time. I wonder if this is because I am an 'older mum' and have seen quite a few of friends devastated by loss, and because I know more about the risks - and that they are increased now I'm in my 30s. When I was younger I'm sure I thought every pregnancy led to a healthy baby. I had no idea so many didn't make it.

And inevitably today I'm thinking of me being a mother. The Boy has been his usual gorgeous self and got me a very cute card from a 'roo' in a kangaroo's bump (see above), wishing me a happy day. I feel a huge rush of excitement mixed with feeling mildly terrified all at the same time when I think about being a mum, and what kind of mum I will be. I imagine it must be the hardest job in the world - and for someone like me who loves order, tidiness and routine, if everything continues to go well my world is going to be turned on its head. But I'm ready for that. While I adore the Boy and our lives together, I'm ready for the focus to be on something - or someone - else, and while occasionally I worry that the Boy and I will lose the special couple time we have in abundance right now, I know we won't lose our connection and that this baby will be wanted and loved, and that it will make us our own little family unit. I couldn't imagine a better partner in crime for this, our next adventure.

I dreamed about having a baby again last night - and again it was a boy. This time we called him Michael - once again a name I hate! I can't work out what is going on in my subconscious that in my dreams we keep calling the children we have names I really don't like. But I'm starting to feel that if this baby does make it, it will be a boy. The boy in my dream last night was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and even in the dream he took my breath away and I felt such love.

I used to be absolutely adamant that I wanted a little girl, but now I feel like either would be brilliant. A while back we were up in Newcastle with the Boy's family and we went to watch his cousin's little lad play football on a Sunday morning and I couldn't believe how much I enjoyed it - cheering him on, shouting his name, and I was really proud of him. I'm sure I would feel that even more if the little boy was ours - although the Boy and I may squabble out what football kit to dress him in, would he be Manchester City (yes, if I have anything to do with it) or Howay the Toon?!

Also whizzing around the jam-packed mazes of my mind is tomorrow's appointment with the midwife. It's finally arrived - and I'm already nervous. For 11 weeks my body and my mind has told me I'm pregnant - and now it's time for someone else to verify that. So I'm naturally a little concerned that we might get bad news - as every day passes I become more and more certain that the Boy and I want this, and I so badly want it to be good news. We want to start imagining what it might be like, thinking about names, and planning how we'll fit a little nursery into our flat... so I guess it's good that we only have one more day to wait until we know, one way or the other, if what is inside me is fighting fit or falling flat. We pray for the former. And we pray for strength if it's the latter.

But for now, off to Guildford where a lovely lunch awaits...

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