I finally managed to get a few hours sleep last night after two very restless, disturbed and alcohol-induced nights on Tuesday and Wednesday. It was a blessing and a curse though, as when I first awoke from my deep slumber I felt that everything was alright - and then a few minutes afterwards I remembered what had happened and the pain began to sink in again.
The level of ache and feeling of sadness I have in my heart for our lost baby surpasses anything I have felt before. I didn't know the body could hurt so much, the emotional pain run so deep, or the mind be so troubled. It's an insight perhaps into how much I will love a baby of ours that we do get to meet and cherish, if we are lucky enough to have a family one day. But that day is a long way off and the Boy and I have a lot to work through before then. At times I wonder how the Boy and I will survive this, but then I remind myself that we have to stay positive and that we can support and love each other through this. I don't know many people who I perceive to have relationships as strong as ours and I know if we keep being honest with each other we will make it out the other side of this in time. This tragedy is all too common and I know millions of people have survived this before us - and millions more will follow after us.
I've had some cramps and light bleeding today which is very upsetting - but in a way feels like a small relief. At least everything is happening as it should, which hopefully means that tomorrow will go as well as it can, and we can say goodbye to our first little dear baby in as peaceful a way as possible. I don't know how I will feel and how it will be - I don't want to fall apart, but I am pretty fragile at the moment and I know that could easily happen. I feel so proud of our baby that it clung on and lived for 13 weeks when everything was against it, and I want to show the same fight and character if I can, and make the baby proud of us in return. We've decided to make an entry in the hospital's memorial book if we can, and I may visit the hospital chapel to say goodbye if it feels appropriate or of any comfort. The Boy has also been in touch with the local church to find out about ways we can say goodbye there. I think we would both find this helpful.
While we go through our little tragedy, the world is obsessed with the Royal Wedding today. William and Kate got married at Westminster Abbey at 11am this morning. She looked very beautiful and it brought back such happy memories of our wedding day, which was the happiest day of my life and on a par with the day we found out we were pregnant. It was all incredible and I felt happy for them both. Being married to your soulmate is an incredible feeling which I wish everyone was able to experience.
However, I suspect in future when I hear about the Royal Wedding I will always be reminded of what a sad day it is today for me and the Boy, preparing to go into hospital tomorrow and go through the painful procedure of finally losing our baby. I'm trying to be brave but I am scared, and I know the Boy is too. Perhaps at least when I return home we can begin to grieve, say goodbye, and start to move on.
Thank you for sharing this, I know it is so hard, your vulnerability and honesty has somehow though drifted through me and awakened me to my humanity in a way I very seldom feel.ReplyDelete
I pray that this experience will not drag you into the past too many times, but remind you of the child who in it's own way taught you lessons about yourself.
As my wife is now 10 weeks pregnant we are aware that each day is sacred, and living this pregnancy one moment at a time.
Bless you and your family