Thursday 12 May 2011

The week that was

It feels like an age since I last wrote an entry on here. Every day seems incredibly long at the moment, and last week feels like it was months ago now. I suppose that's to be expected in these early stages and I know it will pass in time. The Boy and I are both back at work now which will help us settle down, and I think a routine and some structure will help us resume a sense of normality. I want to fight against that, but my mind is overruling my heart - for now at any rate - as I know this is the right thing to do, and while it is painful now to let go, getting back on track will ease our sadness in the long run.

For the most part, the Boy and I had a good time in North Yorkshire. I was anxious about going, but the change of scenery, beautiful views and fresh air did us both some good I think. As safe as it felt to shelter together from the world in our little flat, we knew we had to re-engage with the world at some point, and this short trip was an important part of that. We were staying in a little farm house just outside Castleton which was really lovely, in peaceful and idyllic surroundings. The views across the moors from the cottage (see below) were just beautiful and being somewhere so different to London, where we were so much more at one with the environment, did help us a bit on our way through the grief.

I had been very nervous about my cousin's wedding, and seeing the family, but I was surprised how much I enjoyed myself. It felt surprisingly good to be socialising - of course the wine helped - and it was such a lovely, happy day that it was a welcome reminder that life goes on, and that more happy times will come our way in due course. Everyone was very kind to us, and those who have had similar or shared experiences to us sought us out to comfort us, which was hugely appreciated.

The Boy was a legend as always, by my side whenever I needed him and when I didn't he was making me proud dancing with the my aunt, who sadly lost her husband in January this year. I am so in love with him that it almost feels like I might combust. The fierce passionate energy that burned so brightly in the first heady days of our romance is back with avengeance, and I want to shout from the treetops how wonderful he is and get everyone's attention that I am with such a marvellous man. Our relationship, already rich, is now immense and magnificent - and I am holding this dear as we go forward from our tragedy. The Boy somehow seems more than the man I fell in love with and the man I married, he seems to be visibly growing all the time as I look on. My heart aches for our baby, but it aches in a different way for him - with longing and pride. He gives me the strength to burn, to fight, to live, and because of that I can put one foot in front of the other and begin to stumble ahead.

But not every day was easy. The Boy left Yorkshire a few days before I did, and I found it very hard without him. We've been each other's shadow for the last couple of weeks, so to be apart wasn't easy. I found the first day especially difficult, and a small falling out with a family member knocked me for six and left me very weak and fragile. I fell apart, and cried so much - a few tears for the argument but a whole swimming pool full for my lost baby, who I wanted so much and who I already loved unconditionally. I felt so alone and miserable and the physical pain inside was hard to bear. But these tears needed to be cried and if being without the Boy made it easier for them to come out, then so be it. There will be so many days ahead when we feel sad or angry and we need to keep releasing our sorrow or ire, and not hold on to any of it or push it deep down inside us, only for it to surprise us at some random point in the future.

So here we are. We're taking a deep breath - another one - and beginning to step forwards hand in hand out of the darkness together. I know it will be a long, arduous and complicated journey. Some days we'll stride ahead, other days one of us may falter and need to lean on the other for strength and guidance, sometimes we might both want to shuffle back into the shade and cling to each other. But I know we'll survive and we'll get there. We go forwards with a new view of life - and a new view of each other. Stronger, braver, wiser and more capable of love than either of us knew before. And we owe that to our beautiful lost baby Beans - a legacy I hope we will never lose.

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