I've so far resisted combing the internet for answers to the questions I have about our lost baby. I know they're not there, and I'm aware that by checking in with Dr Google I'm likely to upset myself far more than I already am. But this morning, with the hope from last night fresh in my heart, I allowed myself to look on the NHS pages about miscarriage.
I have been really frightened not just about what's happened, and the loss of baby Beans, but what all this might mean for the future and if I'd be brave enough to go through all this again - and possibly, again - in our quest to have a family. Are the odds now stacked against me? Am I more likely to have another miscarriage? Will I be one of those pour souls who must endure recurrent miscarriages and is never bless with a child?
The words on the NHS pages cheered me, and I take heart from these words: For most women, a miscarriage is a one-off event (known as a sporadic miscarriage) and they go on to have a successful pregnancy in the future. Recurrent miscarriages (the loss of three or more pregnancies in a row) are uncommon and affect one per cent of all couples. Even in the case of recurrent miscarriages, an estimated 75 per cent of women go on to have a successful pregnancy in the future.
Apparently for my age group miscarriage is a 15 per cent risk, which re-confirms with me how unlucky the Boy and I have been. We still want a baby as much as we did, and while it's not yet the time to think ahead, there is comfort in these pages which may nurture the flicker of hope I feel inside until it's ready to burn again.