Monday, 16 May 2011

Living in a box

I've had a few problems loading the blog in the last few days but we seem to be back in business again now, which is good news as I have rather a lot to off-load. I'm not doing so well today. After feeling like I was starting to heal and get better, today feels quite a lot more difficult and all I want to do is run home, shut the world out, and hide under the duvet. But - I'm being brave and delaying that option until after work. I'll meet the Boy and we'll walk home together, then I think an evening of phones off and cuddles will be very much in order.

Last week ended ok. The Boy and I have been continuing to talk a lot and support each other, and on Friday lunchtime we met up to go and buy a pretty memory box, to safely and lovingly store everything to do with our baby - the pictures from the scan, cards people have given us, and the hospital medical documents. That felt like a positive step forward... but over the course of the weekend I have felt myself falter and can see the Boy is feeling the same. It was quite a big weekend though, and I think we now need some quiet time to recover. It's been quite hectic for us over the last couple of weeks with weddings on consecutive weekends - that's a lot for anyone and with everything that's been going on for us, it's no wonder we're worn out and jaded. We've been putting a brave face on, and I think it's time for the masks to come off and for us to have some quiet Mr and Mrs time to comfort and nurture each other.

We spent the weekend in Surrey with the Boy's parents. It was really good to see them and talk about everything with them - it was the first time we've seen them since the miscarriage and they were both incredibly supportive. We ended up sat up talking and drinking with them until well after 4am - which was therapeutic and cathartic, although in hindsight wasn't the best idea as we had a wedding to go to on the Saturday! The wedding I found really difficult, but we put a brave face on (see below) and leaned on each other and we managed to survive - and no more weddings until July now which is something of a relief!

While it was lovely to see so many of the Boy's friends, it was difficult to answer questions and pretend that we are ok. I found it very tough to see one of the Boy's friends with his two month old baby, and during the course of the evening I discovered from another friend that he and his wife are expecting - very early days so not public knowledge, but I pressed him probably a little too much, and he didn't want to lie to me. I'm so pleased for them - we knew they were trying and the Boy and I had remarked how nice if would be for us to be pregnant at the same time as them. But amongst my delight is a sadness, an ache, a pain... because I wish we still were. We're not - and sometimes that feels so hard.

So today we both feel flat, empty, sad. I had a terrible night of upsetting dreams last night where I dreamt I had two more miscarriages - one at 20 weeks and one at 12 weeks - and while I know they are just dreams, it upset me to think this may well happen and there could be more pain in store for us. None of this will go away overnight. It's still really early days, and only two weeks since I was in hospital, so it's all very raw. But we can take a few steps to take better care of ourselves this week - late nights and too much wine don't help our cause, they make it worse and leave us feeling anxious and dejected. We need decent sleep, lots of cuddles, to be eating well, and to be making sure we're getting enough fresh air and exercise. The walking to and from work is a good start - it's about 45 minutes each way so good exercise for us both. The Boy is running the Great North Run this year with his dad and brother so he'll start training for that soon, and I plan to tag along with him and try and improve my fitness. I know all these small steps we can take to improve our physical health will also benefit our emotional health, so they are important in helping us stay on track.

I've been reading What Every Woman Needs to Know by Lesley Regan, the recurrent miscarriage expert at St Mary's Hospital, and that has been helping a little. It helps to be reminded that we were just very unlucky and the odds are that next time we are pregnant - if we are lucky enough to be pregnant again - we will more than likely go on to have a baby. We've tentatively thought about trying again. We'll never forget the baby Beans that we have lost, but it has made us realise how much we want to be parents - and what good parents we'll hopefully make when the time is right.

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