It seems there is no relief from our heartache this week as this morning the Boy had to speak to the hospital mortuary about baby Beans's memorial service, which will happen in Rotherhithe on Wednesday morning. It was a difficult conversation as they asked the Boy questions we weren't prepared for, such as if we had chosen a name for the baby, and what we would like written on the coffin. It feels surreal - I can't believe we are having such conversations about our baby and every essence of me wishes we weren't where we are.
We await further details by post, but I already know it will be an impossible day for the Boy and I. He was very upset by the call, and we made it about halfway into work before he broke down and sobbed as I held him. I hate to see the man I adore so upset and in so much anguish, and I feel dumb with no voice to relieve his pain. Everything within me wants to take it away and make it better but I am powerless to do anything but hold him, listen to him, and tell him how loved he is. I hope that is enough. We stopped by Waterloo Bridge for a while and talked, and made the decision we would both be better off working at home today, so we turned back and headed for the welcoming arms of our home. We've both been teary since and I don't think either of us was in a fit state to be in a busy, open plan office.
My head and heart are racing now. I am terrified to attend the service. I'm not sure I can bear how sad the day will inevitably be, but I feel sure we will regret it if we don't go and the Boy feels the same. Maybe it won't be as sad as I am expecting, and maybe it will help us release more emotion and say goodbye. I don't know. I don't know what to think of it, or make of this situation, it's so out of my normal comfort zone. I can't decide if choosing a name will make things better or worse - we don't know the sex of the baby, it has always been baby Beans, I'm not sure if adding a name now brings anything. But then if we don't name our baby, does that take something away?
I feel we have so much to work through and process at the moment, my head feels fit to burst with it all and the Boy has a bad headache today. I hope that this quiet weekend away we have planned at Down Hall will help us being to figure things out together. I never realised miscarriage could be so devastating, and how much you could ache for a baby and a relationship you never had. I have a horrible feeling that this pain will only truly subside if (when?) we have a healthy baby - and even then I know I will never forget... how could I?
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