More sunshine caressed our faces as we walked the three-mile journey into work this morning, and the week is going well so far for the Boy and I. We both feel stronger and brighter, and more like our old selves. The weekend away certainly did us the world of good. I feel tougher, braver and more able to face the world. I can talk about our baby without faltering, and think of our baby without breaking down. While the memories are predominantly painful and sad, I can also think back with a tiny sense of happiness that the Boy and I made a child together and what joy that brought us for 13 weeks.
I feel more positive about the future and after long discussions we've decided to start trying again for a family straight away, as soon as my lady has arrived. It's been three weeks now since I had the operation so that should be in the next few weeks. Hopefully it will show that my body has settled down and we can start trying to conceive again. I'm sure that will be an even more emotional process this time, riddled with doubt, hope, anxiety and optimism for a different ending. The Boy and I are able to be physically close again regularly now and that has helped me feel more settled and secure. He really is my world and being close to him gives me peace and courage.
But before we get to that point, there is tomorrow. Our darling baby Beans will be buried in Rotherhithe tomorrow morning at 8.30am. I can hardly bring myself to think about what it will be like, and how sad it will be to say a last goodbye to our first, beautiful and beloved child. I can take heart from the fact that the Boy and I go into tomorrow well prepared physically, as rested, together and united as we can be. I can also take comfort from the fact our baby will be buried in a memorial garden that we can go and visit whenever we like. I have been wondering how I can feel close to our baby on its due date, that memorable date of 1/11/11... and I think a visit to the garden could be helpful.
While I am scared and distressed at what the new day will bring, I hope tomorrow will provide a sense of calm and closure - and even relief - and that our baby can sleep peacefully in the garden and in our hearts, and we can begin to walk away and face the future and the next chapter in our lives together.
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