The Boy and I went to the cinema at lunchtime to get a break from the flat. While I'm still very tired and we're both struggling, it makes sense to get fresh air and start to face the world again. We can't hide forever. We chose to see Rio in 3D which was very good, and provided light relief for my heavy heart.
During the film though, I heard children in the cinema laughing and I felt an overwhelming sense of loss. It came on suddenly and the pain stabbed right through me as if I had been knifed in the heart. The emptiness washed over me and I found it hard to fight the tears. But in the darkness I felt safe enough to let them tumble down my cheeks. The Boy felt my sadness and was by my side, as he always is, squeezing my hand and whispering in my ear how much he loves me. I was engulfed with longing for all the things I wanted to do with my first baby that I won't get to do now - hold them, teach them, take them to the cinema, enjoy picnics together... I suppose just love them and do all the things a mother would do with her child. I loved this baby and couldn't wait to watch it grow and be its nurturer.
I know I can do these things with a child we might be blessed with in the future, but there seems something very dark in losing my first baby. This one will always be my first, and while I know beyond doubt that any much wanted children that do come along I will love beyond measure and without condition, this baby will always be my first and letting go of the hopes and dreams I had for us together, while I know necessary, is very painful.
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