Wednesday 2 March 2011

Time waits for no (wo)man

The Boy is out with some friends tonight so I have a night 'home alone'. I've got one eye on the football (the mighty City 2-0 up at home in the FA Cup to Villa! Come on the blues!) but I'm feeling so distracted. My head is so full of jumbled up thoughts I'm finding concentration hard, at work and at home.

In the last few days I've been thinking about the baby so much. It seems time is going impossibly slowly - I want it to be our midwife appointment, our eight weeks, our 12 week scan... But tick tock, tick tock, time may wait for no man but it certainly seems to wait for this woman...

While I am enjoying just have this news to ourselves, I also really want to tell people, and I've started imagining in my head how I might do it and how the conversations might go. I picture seeing people's faces - especially my family and the Boy's mum - and feel warm and happy, lost in the smiles I know will be waiting if we get to the end of the first trimester safely. The only thing I've ever wanted more than this baby was the Boy. I wanted that for myself; I want this baby for us.

When I'm getting dressed in the morning I've started sticking my tummy out as much as I can and looking at myself side on. Trying to see how I might look if this pregnancy continues and evolves. I want to feel and look pregnant. I even bought a maternity dress this week - it felt a bit like tempting fate and I hesitated, but I want to believe this pregnancy will work out and I don't want to be too fearful of bad news and hold back at every stage.

My head is also full of the future and building a home. I want to nest! We've done a lot of work on moving this week. We have a few viewings lined up on Saturday, the paperwork's all in place to see the mortgage man on Friday, and we're getting the process underway to sell our flat. We've had tips from friends and colleagues who live in the area, and we're getting our ground work done. The places we're seeing are both three bedroom and I daydream about what the nursery could be like. Found myself looking at cots online the other day at work in my lunch hour - might need to be a bit more careful about that or my colleagues might just twig something's up!

My colleagues might do anyway. Being at work is a struggle at the moment. I've lost motivation and concentration (even though I love my job and, for the most part, my colleagues) and it takes every ounce of dedication and professionalism I can muster to get the work done. I am totally absorbed in what is happening inside of me. What's happening outside of me doesn't really capture my imagination just now.

I also REALLY want a nice cold glass of wine... I'm trying not to drink in this first trimester, had a few rather boozy nights out before I knew I was pregnant so I think the baby's had enough to drink for now - don't want it turning out like its lush parents! I keep reminding myself that if all goes well all the champagne at the end of it will be more than worth it for these weeks and months of abstinence...

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