Friday 4 March 2011

Sweet dreams aren't made of these...

I had a very restless night's sleep last night. I haven't slept well all week, and I think the well-being and safety of the baby is playing on my mind much more than I realise. The anxiety seems to be coming out in my dream life. Last night my dreams were all over the place - vivid, raw, garish and edgy... and during one of the dreams I felt like I was having a miscarriage. It was pretty upsetting and led to a disturbed night. I thought I'd managed to settle down about this and was making some progress, but apparently not.

One little step I can take to help is to stop looking on the internet. I'd turned to the mumsnet website for some advice and company through the early stages of my pregnancy, while I'm not sharing the news with anyone apart from the Boy. But I didn't find much comfort there - in fact, it was almost completely the opposite. Lots of terribly sad stories of people sharing their experiences of losing a baby, at different stages of their pregnancies and in increasingly gruesome detail. I quickly moved away from the page but I think some of the stories must have stayed with me.

We're expecting a letter about our first midwife appointment in the next few days, and I think that will help calm me down. I'm keen for a midwife to check the size of the baby and hear its heartbeat. I know in my head that's a really important appointment and I think I will feel wary until it happens. Hopefully we'll hear in the next few days and the appointment won't be too far away.

I'm hoping a restful weekend with the Boy will settle me more. We have a lovely free Friday evening stretching ahead together. The Boy is cooking and I think cuddles on the sofa will definitely be in order! Tomorrow is the first day of the house hunt. Three properties to see and some real exploring to be done. A mini adventure and I'm sure that will give us food for thought. And on Sunday we have a trip to Guildford in the diary for lunch with a friend of the Boy's, his wife and his little daughter who is just shy of a year old. Will be lovely to see them all, and I'm sure being around the little girl will be even more of a joy that usual.

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