Monday 21 February 2011

Secret smile

Today is my first day in work since we found out that I'm pregnant. And it's the first day I've been in contact with my friends as we spent a long weekend spending Mr and Mrs time together celebrating our anniversary.

It feels strange. I want to tell everyone our news, but I know that I can't. It's five weeks today since the first date of my last period, so that means a seven more weeks of secrecy until we can let the cat out of the bag. And that depends on our baby staying with us until that precious 12-week scan. I had a funny bleed in December that the Boy and I think may have been a miscarriage, so we don't want to rush ahead of ourselves just yet. There's still a long way to go.

My diary is bulging with social commitments during that time. Some I can cancel, but some are going to be a bit more tricky to get out of without upsetting people. I've been starting to tell friends I'm going to have a dry March to try and lose a bit of weight and save some money - although my little sister, bless her, is already suspicious and has been texting me asking whether I'm pregnant. I've denied it, but I'm not sure she believes me!

I don't like hiding the truth from her, but hopefully she'll forgive me if a little nephew or niece comes along. I don't want to tell people and then have them get their hopes up, only to let them also be shattered if this little baby isn't meant to stay with me and the Boy.

I'm finding it very difficult not to get beyond myself and start thinking ahead - is it a boy or a girl (well, I know it's neither just yet!) and will it look like me or the Boy... I want this so very much it's taking every bit of effort to keep my feet on the ground. I know the Boy feels the same. I know it's terrible to wish your life away but I wish I could fast forward until April when it would be scan-time...

Hopefully it will get easier when the news sinks in and ask the weeks go by, it's all still so new at the moment. I feel different all the time - I had a real bout of nausea earlier, and I seem hyper sensitive to every change in my body. I keep wondering if everything is ok and going as it should. Everytime I go to the toilet I wonder what I will find. I guess all this is pretty common though, and all we can do is try and relax and enjoy this special time, and accept that what will be will be.

One great comfort is that even if this little baby isn't meant to stay with us and things don't work out this time, together the Boy and I can make a baby. And that gives me heart that we made this one, so we could hopefully make another. Everything works as it should individually and between us, and that's something we had concerns about when starting out.

So, I'll start humming Don't Worry, Be Happy quietly to myself and hope that at least some of the lyrics sink in...

No comments:

Post a Comment