Wednesday 25 May 2011

Rest in peace

So today we laid our little baby Beans to rest. It was a very surreal, but also a very gentle and peaceful, day. And once again the sun beamed down on us. The Boy and I were anxious as we approached the funeral directors - not sure what to expect and fearful that we could contain our emotions.

We arrived early so spent some time in the memorial gardens before it was time for our service. It felt sad looking at all the plaques and plots, but I have never seen a garden so well tended or a burial area with so very many flowers. The place felt calm and quiet, but full of love. Reading the tributes that had been left I felt sure our baby would be safe here. The Boy and I felt a small sense of comfort in finding people buried there with our surname - perhaps they will look out for our baby for us. It was interesting to see Jade Goody, the Big Brother celebrity, was also buried there. Perhaps she too can take care of baby Beans while we cannot.

When we were greeted at reception we were taken to a private room to wait for the minister. The lady asked us if either of us would like to carry our baby's coffin which caught us both by surprise and I immediately felt the lump in my throat form and the tears prick at my eyes. The Boy without hesitation said he would and I looked at him, once again bowled over with pride and love at the strength and honour of the man I married. He is immense.

The father came to greet us and asked if we had any readings. The Boy and I had settled on Little Snowdrop and I felt I wanted to at least attempt to read it. I was unsure if my emotions would get the better of me. Slowly we made our way outside and the Boy was given the coffin to carry to the memorial garden. A beautiful white box with 'Baby Gibson' written on it. We made our way steadily and soon arrived at our plot, on the north side of the garden. The funeral director handled the box with such care, wrapping it in dark red velvet while the father read the blessings and prayers. I managed the reading, and felt very proud of doing it - I was proud of us. Our baby leaves this world carried by its father and honoured by its mother. We will miss baby Beans very much. The minister blessed the coffin and the Boy and I stroked the box, saying a last tender goodbye, before it was gently placed in the plot.

It was a very gentle service and the Boy and I - so far - feel it was very beautiful, and a perfect and apt way to say a final goodbye. I liked the memorial garden - almost next door to where Michael Caine grew up - and I will go back and see our baby from time to time, on special dates. Wherever we live the fact it is so near central London means we will always be able to visit our first born Beans. We feel a sense of underlying sadness and loss that I imagine will be there for some time, but we also feel a sense of peace. It feels like we have now left baby Beans to rest, and while we will never ever forget, we can all begin to sleep a little more easily.

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