Later today the Boy and I will be heading 'oop north' for a few days to go to my cousin's wedding at Danby Castle, inYorkshire. I feel that a change of scene and some fresh country air could do us good, but I am pretty nervous about being at a big social event and how the Boy and I will cope. We haven't seen any friends or family - bar my sister - since 26 April when we found out baby Beans had died, and being together just us two has been a great comfort and solace in the difficult week and a half since then.
I feel a bit sad and anxious that this quiet time we have had together to take care of each other is coming to an end. I suppose it has been a protective little bubble but now it is time to take tentative steps back into the land of the living. This trip was planned several months ago and after the wedding I will stay on in Castleton for a few days with my parents, and the Boy will return to London and go back to work. Life will begin to take on a semblance of normality. And, I suspect, therein lies my fear. We can't hide from the world and I can't stay in the safety of the Boy's shadow forever. I understand that we're stronger now and ready to take up our routines, but the end of this peaceful time is another ending with the baby and another step on the road to recovery. I know that's a good thing, but I find I take these steps with some reticence and trepidation, as while in the long-term they heal, in the short-term they bring sadness and pain and my body and heart crumple.
I feel quite frightened by the thought of being away from the Boy for three nights. I know I will be with my loving family but it's his arms that calm me, nurture me and protect me, and I don't want to be without him. But I will try to be strong and be positive - I'm not going back to work until Thursday next week, and I know it's better for me to be in the countryside with my family than sitting alone in our little flat while he's at work. I also know in this era of technology we won't really be apart. We can speak on the phone, text and email, and I suspect the few days away will give me back a little of the independence I've lost, and help me move forwards... but I know they will be difficult days without him. I'm worried also how he will be, on his own for those lonely nights with no cuddles. We've been falling asleep in each other's arms and constantly reassuring each other through touch. I hope he will be alright without that.
On the whole I think we're doing pretty well at the moment. Every day is different and the mantra 'one day at a time' is entirely appropriate. Yesterday was quite a sad day - the Boy was very reflective and quiet, and it should have been my next midwife's appointment so that felt a little uneasy. I was touched to receive a phonecall from the lovely Dr H (the trainee that the Boy and I both see at our surgery) to say he had received the letter about my miscarriage and was on hand for any support, or to offer any help we needed. I have been really impressed with the care we've received from the NHS. The staff must be under such pressure and I imagine it's a really difficult time for them not knowing how this government will reorganise our medical services and if they will still have jobs, but everyone has been amazingly gentle and kind with us through all of this. The Boy and I had wondered if the time might be right to have another look at moving, but I feel very strongly I want to stay with St Thomas's Hospital now and have at least our first baby here as I have felt so valued, so we won't make any hurried decisions on that just yet.
We went out for a curry last night to Nawaz, a little restaurant near where we live - another one of the little steps we've been taking as we try and lay what has happened to rest and begin to move on. It was really nice and I enjoyed the time with the Boy and we were able to talk more about how we are feeling. You would have thought we would have run out of words and tears by now, but no! They keep on flowing... We've begun to broach the issue of when we might feel ready to try again, which I think is another step forwards. When this first happened I thought we'd want to leave it for a long time, maybe even next year. But now we both feel so sure that we want to be parents that I suspect we will begin our quest for a family sooner rather than later. I'm aware that if I am lucky enough to fall pregnant again I will be nervous - I was so anxious getting to 12 weeks this time, and I'm sure that will be even more scary next time.
I felt a little panicked when we got back - we are going to the wedding of one of the Boy's friends next Saturday (two consecutive weekends of weddings coming up) and she had been in touch with me to say they had put us on a table with a couple with a very, very young baby and would that be too much for us. It was very thoughtful of her to think of us at what must be a very busy time for her, but I freaked out at the thought of it. We went into the library yesterday morning to vote in the AV referendum and it was 'mother and baby' day, and even being in there with lots of babies for 10 minutes was difficult for me. I couldn't bear the thought of sitting next to one at the wedding breakfast. In time I know this will all become easier and I'm sure I will want to be around children again, but it's too much now - it's too painful a reminder of what we have lost. The Boy replied along these lines and she has been able to move us to another table which I feel very thankful for. I hadn't appreciated there would be children at the wedding though, and I feel a little disturbed about this. The Boy was - as ever - a huge comfort to me, reassuring me that he'll be by my side throughout the day, and we can make sure we spend time with adult friends who know how the last few weeks have been for us. We may well leave the wedding early as well, as I am so anxious about how it will be. The wedding is in the church where the Boy and I married last year, so I'm sure it will bring back many happy memories, and I hope they will be enough to keep me smiling.
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