Tuesday 28 June 2011
Two steps forward, two steps back?
It's been - as seems to be par for the course at the moment - an emotional few days. The Boy and I had a weekend packed with quality time: a meal and drinks out Friday, comedy gig with Omid Djalili on Saturday night in Soho where we were lucky enough to meet him afterwards, and then Twenty20 cricket in Beckenham with my parents on Sunday - and there were some really happy times. I am so thankful every day for having the Boy in my life, because a day when I am with him will always be a good day. But amongst this there were sad times too. I got terribly upset on Saturday morning and was quite overwhelmed with tears, I think a combination of mourning my friend who we lost the Saturday before and also feeling sad about the loss of Baby Beans.
I wonder when, or if, it starts to hurt less. Sometimes I feel like I'm doing so well and being so strong, but at other times I'm pulled right back and my heart throbs and aches once more. I find it astounding how much the loss of the baby actually hurts - the pain seems disproportionate for something that was only with us for 13 precious weeks. Sometimes I feel so guilty about how keenly I feel the baby's loss. Of all the losses we've had this year, this one has bruised me the most and I'm not sure whether that's how it should be. But, it is what it is and I'm not going to give myself a hard time about what I feel. I made a pact with myself early on that I am going to go with this process, trust my heart and body will pull me in the right direction, and hope that at some point I'll come out of it the other end. I know I'm on the way to healing, it's not going to happen overnight and I just need to be patient for that bit longer. My horoscope in Look magazine told me today: "Change is in the air, but it's not quite here yet. Usually that sort of uncertainty would make a well-organised person like you tetchy, but try to keep calm. Good things can happen by taking a back seat and seeing where you end up." Do they know me?!
I can feel movement though. This morning two heavily pregnant women got on the tube at Waterloo, in colourful maternity dresses with big bumps on show, laughing and talking together. And the first thing I did was smile. Granted, after that I did feel a bit envious and I was reminded of our loss, but the first emotion I felt was happiness and I enjoyed watching them interact. That's a first, and am important one I feel. They looked really joyful, and full of life and excitement. It was nice to see, on a tube full of grey suits, and raised my hopes that I could be in that position one day. So - one step forward.
And perhaps another step forward too... My lady has left the building so from yesterday the Boy and I have begun trying for a family again. I'm trying not to get my hopes up too much - I know it can take your body a while to settle down after a fairly late miscarriage like we had and at the moment it's more important for the priority to be intimate and close with the Boy, and then hope that a baby will follow... but I am of course crossing everything - except my legs! - and hoping that there might be some good news for Mr and Mrs Beans soon enough... we'll see what the future holds for us.