Finally after weeks of wondering what has been going on with this old body of mine, my lady made her reappearance yesterday. I had expected that I would find this quite upsetting - being my first lady since January and real physical proof that I'm not pregnant - but in the end it was fine. It's actually quite a relief that everything is getting back to normal and beginning to settle down after all the recent trauma, as now it hopefully means we can begin our quest to become parents again in earnest.
It feels good to have a bit more certainty back in my life. The past few weeks, even months, there's been a lot of wondering and questioning on my part and I feel quite a lot a more relaxed now that something solid has happened. I suppose it is also a sign that the miscarriage is completely over - physically at any rate - and that feels like a relief as well, as waiting for my lady has also meant waiting for the completion of our baby's loss and for a semblance of normality to resume. I feel optimistic for the future, and ready and hopeful to try again. Unexpectedly I find myself almost feeling happy at the thought of it. This whole ride really has been quite unpredictable so far - I've felt good at times when I've least expected it, and then I've felt the depths of despair when seemingly everything around me has been ok. So, I go with the emotions whatever they are, in this instance my heart knows better than my head.
The Boy is as usual being really supportive and making me smile. While we were getting ready for work this morning I mentioned that perhaps I could do some charting of good days this month or get some fertility sticks - I guess I feel so ready now to be pregnant I want to do everything I can to encourage it to happen quickly. The Boy looked like he was pondering this, and then he said with a faux serious look on his face - "No, I think we should just have fun and games every day, out of duty of course - it'll be quite a hardship but I can take one for the team" and then he flashed me his winning smile. It's little things like this that make me warm inside even when the world is cold and crumbling around us - as it has been this week with the loss of our friend - and I still thank my lucky stars he came into my life. I don't like to think where I'd be without him.
So, I guess here we are. The time has come when we are both physically, emotionally and mentally ready to try again. The past forgiven but not forgotten. Baby Beans and the legacy of love always a part of us as we go forwards. The future a blank page. A new chapter in our lives waiting to be written. Deep breath time. Everything crossed again. Rabbit's foot rubbed and four leaf clover at the ready. The roller coaster has pulled into my station and I'm ready for the journey ahead. All aboard!