Thursday 7 July 2011
Here comes the rain again
The rain is streaming down from the grey sky and banging on the window pane as I write this. It's been a while since I was last on here. If truth be told, it's been something of a bleak, dark week, and I've been floundering and have found it difficult to settle myself down. I had thought I'd been coping pretty well with everything that's happened in recent times, but I got incredibly upset on Sunday and it all came out and I had a bit of a meltdown in front of the Boy.
I cried the hardest I've done in weeks and the pain throbbed in my chest like it did in those early days. I felt raw, fragile, vulnerable and out of control. I hadn't realised how much I had been holding in - I certainly hadn't wanted to keep anything inside, but I didn't even realise this level and range of emotion was in there. The tears and the words came tumbling out as the Boy held me - how sad I am at the loss of our baby, how devastated I am my friend saw no way forward apart from taking his own life, and how scared I am that I might lose someone else. I feel like the walls are closing in on me, and I have been having nightmares about the Boy leaving me or dying, or about my father suddenly becoming ill and passing away.
I know in my head that this is a really normal reaction to what's happened - after so much loss I'm bound to be unsettled, and this is how I process this. But in my heart I feel anxious and scared. I can't help but be reminded of my own, and the Boy's, mortality - and I am really frightened about being without him. He is everything to me and my life would be so different without him. He reassured me he feels the same, he has no intention of leaving me, and we hopefully have long and happy lives to long forward to. He teasingly reminded me of a pact we made some years ago to live out our old age with matching purple rinses and mobility scooters, and race them up and down Eastbourne pier together and that helped the load feel lighter, and still the storm inside me. I think it's really important that all of this came out. As I say, I didn't know it was there but there was so much emotion it was vital it was let out. I feel like I can breathe a little more easily now, although while I am a bit calmer I have remained out of sorts this week.
There's also some feelings coming up for both of us now that we're trying again. It's lovely and exciting, but I think starting a new chapter really does mean leaving the old one behind and I find that very sad. We saw a friend's baby at the weekend who was just beautiful, and it left me wondering again what our baby would have looked like and what little quirky mannerisms or behaviours it might have had. I suppose again this is all to be expected and it will fade in time. I can't hope or expect to be over this already, that's not realistic or natural. I have to move through the grieving process and that will take time. At some point I will have to learn to be patient, and perhaps that might come through this experience.
And while the overriding feeling as we start out again is excitement, underpinned by hope, there is still some fear there, as the Boy and I know it won't be an easy road ahead. Once again we seem to be surrounded by material solely relevant to us and our experience - not one but two new pieces of research on the BBC website about miscarriages this week. I half want to ignore them as I don't want to be worrying or stressing about trying again... but I also half want to gobble up everything I can read on the subject in case anything is relevant or stops me miscarrying again. But I have to keep reminding myself that this is a process I can't organise or take control of - what will be will be, and I have to trust in the unknown and go with it.
I think going forwards I've got to put myself first more. It's been easy to slip back into life's normal routine, and for me to begin to have a full diary again, and say that I'm fine when people ask me. But I'm not fine, and I need to be honest with myself and make sure I have enough time and space to be as ok with everything that has happened as I can be. If I have to pull back a bit again then so be it. I know real friends will appreciate that, and will be ready and waiting for me with open arms when I do feel more like connecting with the world again. And hopefully that time will come soon enough.