Monday 11 April 2011
Day of reckoning
And so we are here. I'm 12 weeks today and we have our first scan at St Thomas's Hospital at 2.30pm. I'm so glad the day has finally come round, although I am slightly terrified as well. I'm not sure I've ever been so excited and nervous all at once about anything in my life. I had hoped we would get confirmation at my booking appointment last week that all was progressing as it should be, but it wasn't to be, so today is the first day someone will try and hear our baby's heartbeat. This will let us know whether everything is progressing as it should be - and it goes without saying that I have everything crossed that it is. I can't recall ever wanting something to be ok as much as this... but whatever the outcome today the Boy and I are both ready to know.
I'm meeting the Boy at 2pm. From here until then still seems a long time, a final last lap of patience and calmness required. Luckily my kind boss has let me work at home today as I don't think I'd be able to hold my anxiety together at work in the office. I think my colleagues know me too well and they would realise something is up - if they haven't already! I know I've already had moments acting out of character and I'm sure some of them must have noticed me scurrying off to the toilets every five minutes when my morning sickness has been bad.
I'm a little uncertain how the appointment will pan out today. We've been told to allow 90 minutes at the hospital so that there is enough time for blood tests and down syndrome screening, as well as the scan itself. I know I will be scared when it's time for the scan. We want this baby so much that I think it makes this process more emotional and difficult - if we were younger, if this had been an accident, if it didn't all feel so right... maybe this wouldn't be so scary. But then again, who am I trying to kid. This is me, the worrier! So I'm sure I'd be anxious whatever and whenever. Hopefully that will subside a little if today goes well.
I've been looking at some pictures of what the baby should be like at this stage (see below). Still so tiny, but also so formed. I pray that what is inside of me is at this same stage. I will let you know later...