Monday 28 May 2012

Let me be your fantasy

The last couple of weeks have been really happy ones in the entwined history of me and the Boy - and perhaps this is why I haven't blogged much in the past fortnight. For some reason it always seems easier for me to document my angst that to keep a log of my happiness.

Since our last scan, the pregnancy has been very different for me. It's like something has clicked inside my head and I (finally!) believe that I am pregnant and that we can be lucky this time. I believe that at last - I came off the pill in September 2010 - we will be the family that we so much want to be. And I feel the biggest sense of happiness and a huge rush of love for that gorgeous baby of mine as the movements inside I can feel become stronger, and the kicks and nudges I get during the day and night grow in force and frequency and take me by surprise. When the Boy can feel these movements too, it is just the best experience ever. I can really understand what a special time this is for expectant parents. Every day seems to bring new affirmation of the life beginning that we have made together - and that really takes my breath away.

I've even begun to buy things for the baby now - something I hadn't let myself do until after the scan, too terrified that if I did somehow I would jinx everything and bring bad fortune upon us. We have a nice selection of new and preloved clothes for our little one, and we've eeked out bargains with a sling, a baby seat and a gorgeous vibrating rocking chair. The baby may not even like that last one, but I love it - it brought me tears of joy when the Boy came back from collecting it and carefully assembled it for our child.

You know, I don't even care if we end up using the things we have picked up so far much. For me, it's so important to believe that things can have a happy ending for us, and just looking at and touching these items melts my heart. I'm so pleased and relieved that I have been able to find happiness in this pregnancy and that it has come early enough for me to enjoy this time. I want to be able to look back at this time and remember it as being important and exciting - and our baby deserves that because it is every bit as valued and as treasured as the two that we have lost.