Well it wasn't to be this month. Hardly a case of better late than never, but my lady finally arrived today as I think I had known it wood. I did wonder at times this month if we might have been lucky, but I didn't experience anything like the extreme nausea, metallic taste in my mouth and the full-on tiredness that came with the experience last time.
We are both disappointed, but I'm pleased that the disappointment is not at too deep a level. For us having a baby is something we really want, but it's not everything - not even close - so we are both still feeling very relaxed about this process. The Boy really is enough for me, he's sleeping next door as I write as he's off work sick (I'm on leave today) and just looking at him lying there a few minutes ago I nearly started crying with how perfect for me he is and how lucky I feel.
Which is why what I'm about to say might seem something of a contradiction in terms, but this month the Boy and I have decided to use fertility sticks to see if that gives us a better chance of conception. I've been in two minds about this for a few weeks. We feel the best thing is to carry on as we are, and just enjoy being close and intimate regularly throughout the month. But at the same time we're both curious about when the best days for us to 'baby dance' are, and what we might find out if we use the sticks for a month or so. And, perhaps slightly embarrassingly, as someone obsessed with the human condition I also want to experience everything that goes with falling pregnant and I'm interested how it feels to try this process.
I suppose it's just a way of finding out when (and if) I'm ovulating and checking in that everything is in order after the miscarriage. It's not about being desperate to conceive this month, next month or whenever... it's just a way for us to reassure ourselves that everything is ticking along as it should be. I'll keep you posted how it all goes!