Sunday 18 March 2012

Mother's Day

Today is Mothering Sunday in the UK - another well-meaning occasion long since taken over by the retail industry and now pretty much hidden in consumerism. But it's still a day that's important to me, and while I think of my Mum almost every day of the year, I think it's right and fitting that there is a special day to reflect on all the love, dedication and commitment that mummies give. Today I am thinking about my friends who are pregnant, those who have recently had babies and who will be celebrating their first Mother's Day, my lovely Mum and Mum-in-law, and my gorgeous Grandma - still beautiful and intelligent well into her 90s.

And this year the day is particularly close to my heart as I found out in January that - hopefully - I will finally become a mother myself this year. Regular readers of this blog will know that the Boy and I had a particularly cruel and disappointing false start last year losing our first longed-for baby rather unexpectedly at 13 weeks, but fingers crossed this year will be kinder to us and this pregnancy will go well...

It's been a bumpy road again for us, and brought up quite a lot of emotions for us - so I hope you will forgive me for not sharing our news thus far. The Boy and I have needed some quiet time to take in what has happened and to really appreciate the blessing that has come upon us.

It seems I fell pregnant on New Year's Eve, so at least our 'dry January' was well timed to help things progress as best they could. It also appears that I originally fell pregnant with twins - totally not expected as we have no family history and haven't had fertility treatment - but an early scan showed that sadly one of them only made it to about 6/7 weeks. I can't help but feel that I am not very good at pregnancy... to lose two of three babies seems rather harsh - although I know many others suffer far worse. Fortunately, though, the other baby seems to be thriving - and  my almost constant nausea and fatigue has been testament to that!

A couple of weeks ago we had our 12 week scan and nuchal tests at St Thomas's Hospital. It was a difficult experience for us - last time we were there had been to manage my miscarriage and it was definitely something of an ordeal to be back in the same hospital, in the same waiting room, and we even had the same sonographer. However, I was really thankful for that as she remembered us from last time, and she was very patient and gentle with me. The first thing she did was find the baby's heartbeat, and as I did it I must confess the tears rolled down my face and she reached out and held my hand, and looked quite moved herself. I couldn't thank her enough for her quiet kindness.

So many years spent trying not to get pregnant, it seems ironic what an ordeal it has been for us to get to this point... but she confirmed all the measurements were exactly as they should have been - I've never been so glad to be bog standard in my life! - and the blood tests (which is apparently where the warning signs lay last time) couldn't have been much better. They suggest all will go well for us from here, and I pray ever day that they will. The elation of finding out everything was normal was almost indescribable - it was pretty much as euphoric as I was on my wedding day. I feel like I have won the lottery and City have won the European Cup all rolled into one. And even that doesn't half capture it. I feel high as a kite and I'm so far up that I'm looking down on Cloud 9 from an even greater height.

And so now we are on our way into the second trimester... I know we still have a way to go from here, and him upstairs has proved he has a sense of humour as our due date is apparently the day before my little sister's wedding... but I'm hopeful this time we will have a happier outcome. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't a little scared still - I think part of the cruelty of losing a baby, especially a first baby, is it makes you painfully unaware that things can go wrong, even when the odds are in your favour. And for an eternal worrier like me I really don't need any help in that department! But I do feel optimistic - in this life all you can do is hope for the best, and that's what I do now.

With the sale of our flat proceeding, negotiations entered into over the house we want to buy, and a beautiful much wanted baby on the way, this could be quite a year for us... almost more than I dare to dream of.