Simple pleasures

I had a lovely day yesterday. I was on a first aid refresher course at St John's Ambulance in Marylebone the morning, I have to do this annually as I am a nominated first aider at work. I enjoy the course and take confidence from having these skills into my personal life - and I think they will become even more valuable as I become a parent.

In the afternoon I had an appointment to get my highlights done, but my hairdresser was unfortunately unwell, so I found myself with a rare weekday afternoon free stretching ahead of me. It was a glorious afternoon, another cloudless blue sky stretching above London as far as the eye could see, and the temperature must have been touching mid 20s. It felt like we'd fast forwarded to the summer.

Underneath this azure blanket I strolled to my favourite spot to sit and take in the weather, Potters Fields by Tower Bridge. I love it here. Right by the river and sandwiched between Tower Bridge, build at the end of the 19th century, and City Hall, the modern offices built more than 100 years later which are home to the Mayor of London and the GLA. Across the river you see, to the left, the City of London with its office blocks competing to be the first to touch the sky - the Gherkin, my sister's favourite building in the capital, is winning at the moment - while to the right is the Tower of London, swathed in centuries of history and legend.

It's a fabulous place to take in a snapshot of what London, my home for the last decade, has to offer. And it's a park enjoyed by many different people - business men on their lunch breaks, students, foreign visitors, and local families from London Bridge, Bermondsey and the docks.

I relished the chance to sit for a few hours in the sunshine, and in that time I read a book from cover to cover in one sitting - absolute bliss! The first time I've done that since my honeymoon in Velidhu in the Maldives nearly a year ago. I read Resistance by Anita Shreve, one of my favourite contemporary authors. She's never going to break any moulds in terms of style and substance, but I love her lyrical, sentimental writing, and how she captures the fragility of the human condition and our relationships so softly and beautifully. The book was one of her better ones, set in Belgium in the second world war it details the story of a small pocket of resistance fighters against the Nazis in a small village, and what happens when an American plane crashes in the forests nearby. A poignant and moving book, that reminds and captures the extreme bravery of some of that generation in the face of such a vile and bleak dictatorship.

It's a simple pleasure, reading a book from cover to cover. But one I had forgotten could be so enjoyable. For a few hours I was taken away from myself to another time and another land, and I walked with the characters as they worked through their feelings and trials. I don't think I'll ever lose the amazement that a book has the power to do that. Although I suspect when I become I parent I will lose the chance to inhale and breath out a text in one precious sitting!

The day ended with a romantic meal by the Thames in Cantina del Ponte - the cuisine giving us a tantalising taste of what lies ahead for us on our Italian adventures. Bring it on!

Up above the clouds...

It's a glorious day in London today, forecast to hit 21 degrees. The hottest day of the year so far with a beautiful seamless blue sky, barely blotted by a cloud.

Everything feels better to me when the sun shines. Being basked in warmth and light really calms me. It stills me and gives me peace and reassurance, like I've come home. I get a similar feeling from being on the coast and hearing the sea gently lapping at the shore. I wonder if this is because I grew up in Portesham in Dorset and spent many a happy time whiling away sunny days on the beach with my parents.

When the Boy and I got together and were in that beautiful first flush of love, we used to lie in each other's arms and listen to a song about the blue sky - Up Above The Clouds, by Turin Brakes. I absolutely love the song and whenever I hear it or whenever I find myself under a blue sky, I smile, and think about the Boy and those early, heady days of our romance. For us the sky has always been pretty blue, and while we've had our ups and downs, our relationship has been blessed with more than our fair share of warmth and light.

Our love has of course changed since those humble beginnings. The bubbling desperation to be together has mellowed into a sublime wonder that we found each other, and a quiet euphoria that we have pledged in front of all our family and friends to walk together always.

Being with the Boy lets me be the best I can be - and with him by my side there will always be a blue sky up above the clouds.

Where's your head at?

Today's thought for the day is - where's your head at? Not the Basement Jaxx song, but "the rostral part (from anatomical position) that usually comprises the brain, eyes, ears, nose and mouth" - thanks Wikipedia!

I am all over the place today and I'm finding it impossible to settle down or concentrate on my work. I can't recall having felt so distracted at work before. Everything seems to be going in one ear and out of the other, and I've moved a couple of meetings I had in today until tomorrow as I feel so unmotivated.

It's an unusual feeling because I love my job and most of the people at work so much, but I suppose it's also natural that with all the changes going on inside my body, that's where my focus is. I imagine it's also a bit of a lull after the hard work and high energy that went into our march in London a couple of weeks ago. It's always the same after our annual conference - a week of mad, frenetic hours, and then an unsettling calmness as the media band wagon rattles on elsewhere.

I wonder if I will settle down a bit more once we've got beyond 12 weeks - I hope so, or I'm going to be a little fidgety nightmare for all my lovely colleagues!

Booked in

We had our booking in appointment yesterday afternoon and all went well. Both of the community midwives - there was a qualified one and a student one - were lovely, and a rather amusing double act as they were so different in appearance and personality. One tall, slim, blonde and quiet; one short, curvy, loud and black. I was fleetingly reminded of Aunt Sponge and Aunt Spiker from one of my favourite childhood books by Roald Dahl. But the combination worked, I was quickly put at ease and the appointment, which was an hour long, seemed to fly by.

I was a little disappointed the midwives didn't try to hear our baby's heartbeat. I'd heard mixed reports about whether they would do this and I think policies differ between PCTs... so we have a few more anxious days ahead until our scan on Monday. But everything that they could test for was in order. My urine and blood pressure was ok, and my BMI was also fine. They couldn't take a blood sample for the technical medical term that "your veins aren't very good" (midwife number two!). I'd mentioned a little fear of needles - I am rather a first-class weed - so when my veins weren't forthcoming they decided it made sense to wait until I was at St Thomas's hospital next week and do everything then.

Even though much of the appointment was spent taking our health details and notes of any family illnesses, it was very exciting getting all the books about pregnancy and hearing how our appointments would pan out if all goes to plan. I was pretty impressed with the NHS for the wide-ranging information I received and how beautifully all the books were laid out and presented. It feels just that step more real having met with the midwives and having my own notes. Just feeling the notes and the books in my hand gave me a surge of excitement from the pit of my belly, bursting out onto my face.

We walked out of the surgery grinning from ear to ear. I think sometimes in this blog I've focused on my anxiety and concerns about what might go wrong, when I haven't paid even lip service to how happy both the Boy and I are. I suppose it's always the way to write about the worries rather than the euphoria, as they have a tendency to creep to the forefront of your mind - well, they do for me anyway!

But as we walked back home hand-in-hand with the Spring sunshine shining down on us and bathing us in light and contentment, everything for that moment felt absolutely right with the world. I know beyond doubt that I am with the man I shall love until the day my time on this earth is through, and having a baby together is the most exciting, breathtaking and amazing feeling. To have created a life together that we want to nurture and nourish feels like the most important thing we could ever do, nothing else we've done before this point seems of such significance. And if I think about it for too long it really does take my breath away and leave me astounded. I suspect this is why there is something of an emotional cycle of angst - I am so desperately happy to be at this point, that I long for the confirmation everything is ok far more than I would if it wasn't all so right.

We'd had a rather tense day before the appointment with neither of us able to settle or concentrate - goodness knows what state we will be in next week! - so we decided to treat ourselves to a relaxing evening out and we went for dinner and to the cinema to switch off. We watched Killing Bono which provided us with some good and needed light relief. And then trotted back home where we caught the end of One Born Every Minute. Tonight the programme moved me tears - it was so beautiful to see exhausted but exhilarated parents holding their newborn babies and beginning to grasp all the wonder and amazement that lies ahead.

First appointment nerves

Roll up, roll up and welcome to the Elly Beans emotional roller coaster ride! For the bargain price of nothing, today you can experience an exhilarating rush of anxiety as you plunge into a corkscrew of rumour and the unknown, and then hold onto your hat as you are driven head first into a loop the loop of fear and misunderstanding - what an adventure!

Yes, today is our first appointment with the midwife. Today I'm 11 weeks pregnant, and it's now five weeks since I went in to see my GP and have that first professional pregnancy test.

I'd like to say the weeks have flown but they haven't - I've been ticking off the dates every day until this point, willing the appointment to come round quicker, but also warding it off because today is the day fact and reality collides with our dreams and fantasy.

While I'm longing for good news, my instinct is to shy away from bad, and I'm nervous about how today will go. I'm not good at health appointments generally. I had to have a simple blood test in January and spent days fretting about it. My tendency to worry and think the worst really comes into its own where my health is concerned!

But I think it's natural to have some anxiety today. The Boy and I both want this so much, and I'm sure every woman or couple who really want a baby are desperate for good news at this point. The Boy has taken the time off work to come along with me, which will be a great support - as always.

Mamma Mia!

Another early start for me, I'm getting used to being up with the larks now and any wake up call later than 6am feels like a treat - it was 7am this morning and I felt myself smile when I looked at the clock as it felt like a lie in! I was woken up with a coughing fit this morning. It seems like the bug is on its way out and I'm generally feeling more comfortable, but the cough is pretty vicious and decides to attack every now and then.

Today is Mother's Day and my head is full of thoughts. I'm thinking of my lovely Mum who is away on her jollies, taking in the sunshine in Palm Island in the Grendadines with my Dad and my sister. I hope she has a beautiful day today and they are spoiling her rotten. I'm going to text her after I've written this to let her know she's in my head. I'm thinking of the Boy's Mum too, who is also super lovely and who I feel very lucky to have in my life. We're heading down to Guildford to have lunch with her today in a lovely Thai restaurant, with the Boy's brother too. It had been a bit touch and go whether I'd make it as I've been so poorly  - and I sadly missed a much-anticipated dinner at a friend's last night - but I starting to recover and a few hours out of the house at lunchtime shouldn't set me back too much. I haven't been dressed and in make-up since Monday so leaving the flat could be a bit of a shock!

I'm also thinking today of friends of mine who have new children, celebrating their first Mother's Day as a family, and more sadly friends of mine who have lost children - today must be another very difficult day for them. I've got friends and family who've lost babies - both very early and very late in pregnancy - and being pregnant myself with a longed-for baby I can only just begin to imagine how heart-breaking it must be for them.

And I'm aware that sadness may well yet lie ahead for me and the Boy as we approach 11 weeks. We're not out of the woods yet, and I don't think I'll totally relax until we get to 40 weeks and hopefully a baby arrives - and even then I'm not sure relax will be the right word! I hadn't anticipated that while I feel so happy and delighted, there is an undercurrent of anxiety there most of the time. I wonder if this is because I am an 'older mum' and have seen quite a few of friends devastated by loss, and because I know more about the risks - and that they are increased now I'm in my 30s. When I was younger I'm sure I thought every pregnancy led to a healthy baby. I had no idea so many didn't make it.

And inevitably today I'm thinking of me being a mother. The Boy has been his usual gorgeous self and got me a very cute card from a 'roo' in a kangaroo's bump (see above), wishing me a happy day. I feel a huge rush of excitement mixed with feeling mildly terrified all at the same time when I think about being a mum, and what kind of mum I will be. I imagine it must be the hardest job in the world - and for someone like me who loves order, tidiness and routine, if everything continues to go well my world is going to be turned on its head. But I'm ready for that. While I adore the Boy and our lives together, I'm ready for the focus to be on something - or someone - else, and while occasionally I worry that the Boy and I will lose the special couple time we have in abundance right now, I know we won't lose our connection and that this baby will be wanted and loved, and that it will make us our own little family unit. I couldn't imagine a better partner in crime for this, our next adventure.

I dreamed about having a baby again last night - and again it was a boy. This time we called him Michael - once again a name I hate! I can't work out what is going on in my subconscious that in my dreams we keep calling the children we have names I really don't like. But I'm starting to feel that if this baby does make it, it will be a boy. The boy in my dream last night was the most beautiful baby I had ever seen and even in the dream he took my breath away and I felt such love.

I used to be absolutely adamant that I wanted a little girl, but now I feel like either would be brilliant. A while back we were up in Newcastle with the Boy's family and we went to watch his cousin's little lad play football on a Sunday morning and I couldn't believe how much I enjoyed it - cheering him on, shouting his name, and I was really proud of him. I'm sure I would feel that even more if the little boy was ours - although the Boy and I may squabble out what football kit to dress him in, would he be Manchester City (yes, if I have anything to do with it) or Howay the Toon?!

Also whizzing around the jam-packed mazes of my mind is tomorrow's appointment with the midwife. It's finally arrived - and I'm already nervous. For 11 weeks my body and my mind has told me I'm pregnant - and now it's time for someone else to verify that. So I'm naturally a little concerned that we might get bad news - as every day passes I become more and more certain that the Boy and I want this, and I so badly want it to be good news. We want to start imagining what it might be like, thinking about names, and planning how we'll fit a little nursery into our flat... so I guess it's good that we only have one more day to wait until we know, one way or the other, if what is inside me is fighting fit or falling flat. We pray for the former. And we pray for strength if it's the latter.

But for now, off to Guildford where a lovely lunch awaits...

April fool

It's the 1 April today, April fools' day. I'm so glad we're into April - this month holds lots of excitement for us and must surely mean that warmer weather is on the way. But while Spring may be in the air I'm certainly not full of its joys, my horrid bug is still with me so I'm more full of lurgy, snot and mucus. Most attractive! Again, I'm conscious the Boy isn't really seeing me at my best just now.

But April promises to be an exciting month, once I've got over this illness. Our booking appointment with the midwife is on Monday afternoon, when I'll be 11 weeks. That seemed to far away. I wasn't even five weeks pregnant when we found out and it's felt like a long time from there to here. And if all goes well we have the scan booked in for Monday week, when I'll be 12 weeks. That's at the antenatal clinic at St Thomas's hospital which will be the first time I see that part of the hospital and the facilities. We haven't totally decided how we want the birth to be - it's one of the discussions we've delayed having partly out of superstition that talking about it might somehow be bad luck. But St Thomas's seems to have good facilities and there is a birth centre there that I really like the sound of. You can use the facility if you're likely to have a normal birth, and they have birthing pools and private rooms where dad can stay the night after the birth with mum and baby, which really appeals to me. If we had more space I'd definitely consider a home birth as I really want us to spend time as a family unit from the outset - but I'm not sure how that would work in our little flat! I guess more on this later.

April also brings our first holidays of the year. The Boy and I love travelling and we're always keen to have weekends away and holidays. Some people spend their money on pets, gadgets, cars or doing up their houses. Not me and the Boy. Every spare penny we have we try to get out of London - perhaps just for a day trip on the train, a weekend somewhere in England or a city break, or a week or two in the sunshine somewhere in Europe. We haven't had a break this year as we've been trying to save money for moving house, and I'm desperate for a change of scene. And April will bring two!

The first is a trip to Venice to celebrate my mother-in-law's 60th. I absolutely can't wait - it's a destination I've lusted after visiting for some time, and it will be a fabulous place to celebrate her special birthday. We'll also tell her at the airport about our special news, as we fly the day after my 12 week scan so I will hopefully have some pictures of the scan to show her - if all goes to plan.

I love so many things Italian. A trip as a school girl to Sorrento, the Amalfi coast and Capri totally enticed me - the culture, the history, the romance, the food, the wine... well, maybe less of the wine this time for me! My Mum has also talked of Venice as being the closest place to heaven on earth, and as a keen photographer I look forward to seeing the sights and trying to capture the essence of the city. It will be a special trip as - again, if all goes well over the next few weeks - it will be the baby's first holiday...

I suspect our baby will quickly clock up the air miles like its parents as April also holds in store a trip to Rome to celebrate our first wedding anniversary on St George's Day, 23 April. I can't believe the boy and I have nearly been married for a year... it's flown by. It's been the most fantastic year and as I think I've gushed before on these pages, I fall in love with him a little bit more every day. I am so looking forward to our lovely adventure in one of Europe's most classical capitals. Again, the wine will remain off limits, but I look forward to indulging in the pasta, the pizza, the ice cream... for the first time I can do this guilt-free as well which will be something of a treat!

And I look forward to celebrating our anniversary with family and friends. We plan a party here on 21 Easter, Maundy Thursday, for all our friends with drinks and nibbles - and I think the Boy may make a little announcement about our exciting news. I feel nervous at the thought of telling friends - I'm sure they'll be thrilled for us, but I have an irrational fear that the more people that know, the more chance there is something bad might happen to the baby. Ah, I've almost missed that 'glass half empty' perspective inside of me. It hasn't been making so many appearances of late and life has been far too positive without it!

This time last year I was a few weeks away from getting married - I was a bundle of excitement and nerves and couldn't see much beyond the wedding day at that point. Here I am a year on, with even more blessings to count which feels incredible. Dare I begin to hope that we will celebrate our anniversary next year with a little six-month baby Beans with us... how amazing would that be?!