It's been quite an emotional time for me - just for a change! For the majority of the time I am beside myself, pinching myself that we are in this situation and in just a few months will become a family, and unable to believe my luck. However, there have been a few sadder days and the baby we lost in this pregnancy as well as the one we said goodbye to last year have been on my mind a little.
I suppose these losses never go away, and perhaps it's not surprising that as my emotions flutter around now more than ever, that some of the sadness we have felt in the past will be a part of that rich melting pot. And as we approach the end of the pregnancy - I am 31 weeks now and doing a good impression of a mammal belonging on display at Sea World, just call me Shamu! - I begin to feel a little concern once again that all will continue well for us. The thought of losing another baby remains far too much for me to bear.
But - I know it is incredibly unlikely that will happen and the longer the pregnancy progresses the more happy and confident I feel. We had a 4D scan of the Baby on Friday after work - scans are one of my least favourite things given the mixed blessings they've brought us in the past, but I'm so glad we did it because I really enjoyed it - hurrah, a breakthrough for me!
It was great to see Baby Beans progressing well - bang on average in terms of weight and measurements, and I am more than happy to be 'average' in anything baby-related! We saw the baby wiggle about, open its eyes, smile, frown when poked by the sonographer to encourage movement, drink some amniotic fluid (with a scarily long tongue!) and whack itself in the eyes several times with its toes. Hmm. Well - at least it's flexible! We think the baby has my nose and the Boy's mouth - and the Boy says Baby Beans has my frown! How rude! I guess we will see in time. A little picture below - suffice to say I am even more smitten than I was before, and it took me a long time to come back down to Earth! Weirdly, as we left the appointment we passed the actor Christopher Ecclestone pushing a little baby boy in a pushchair - every where we look it's babies at the moment!
And it has been a very baby-focused weekend. We had our first NCT classes on Saturday down in our new area in Kent. It all went very well - very middle class though, and the other couples were all white, married, and in their 30s and 40s. I think perhaps West Kent is not rich in diversity! That is something I will really miss about living in central London. But it was good to meet other couples in similar situations to us, and the tutor was lovely - very realistic and not to forceful with her opinions, which is something I had been worried about. Of the seven couples, our baby is the fifth due so we're quite near the end of the group which I feel pleased about - I find it useful to talk to people a few weeks ahead of me to get a bit more of an idea about what to expect, although I know every pregnancy is different.
I also had a private chat with the tutor after the class. We'd been focusing on contractions and labour, and my curiosity was arisen as to how my experience of delivering a 14 week old baby would compare to delivering one at full-term (as I hope will happen this time). I was encouraged to hear that the contractions I felt last time would be similar this time round, and perhaps not even as bad as my body has been through the process before. She suggested while I may not have dilated to 10cm last time, I certainly would have opened my womb some way, so she didn't forsee any reasons for that part of the labour to be much different to what I already know. So that brought some relief for me - although at this stage I'm not too concerned about the labour. I know what it is to go into hospital and deliver a baby and leave with empty arms, so - at present - all I care about is that Baby Beans gets here safely and can come home with us. We are so in love already.
The old adage about nesting is certainly coming into play for us as well. We are gearing up to move in early August so we can't do too much until that happens, but the Boy and I had fun this weekend choosing and ordering the remaining bits on our baby list. I think we've done well with a combination of new and second hand purchases, and I don't think we have gone overboard on anything - yet! Baby Beans definitely has some nice outfits (the Boy complains our baby has a better wardrobe than he does) but I have been quite restrained - for me! - so there will be plenty of time, and room, to spoil the baby with things when the time comes. I can't wait!
I am so glad you are well and I think it is okay to still be mourning even when excited - mourning is a process and takes time! But also hurrah your baby sounds amazing!
ReplyDelete