A few weeks ago I had some time on my hands and I took a look back over this blog for the first time in a while. It was an interesting experience and a bit like rediscovering an angst-ridden teenage diary many years later.
In parts I cringed at my naivety and was frustrated by my negativity, but my overwhelming sense was a longing to put my arm around the Elly I was for quite a lot of last year and tell myself things would get better. When you first experience a loss or you're in the midst of a trauma it's very difficult to believe that the state of sadness or grief is only a temporary one. You know logically that time is a healer and life will become better again, but when the pain pierces your heart with that initial intensity, it's easy to lose sight of this and despair.
It is difficult to read some of the entries I wrote last year, but in some ways I'm glad I have a record of it. I can remember a little of how I felt back then, but it is hard to re-live exactly how sad I was. I feel so different now and as the months have passed, life has become much happier and more colourful again. The sadness will always be there, but now it feels like it's bearable and manageable - and I feel optimistic and excited about life again.