How deep is your love?

I finally managed to get a few hours sleep last night after two very restless, disturbed and alcohol-induced nights on Tuesday and Wednesday. It was a blessing and a curse though, as when I first awoke from my deep slumber I felt that everything was alright - and then a few minutes afterwards I remembered what had happened and the pain began to sink in again.

The level of ache and feeling of sadness I have in my heart for our lost baby surpasses anything I have felt before. I didn't know the body could hurt so much, the emotional pain run so deep, or the mind be so troubled. It's an insight perhaps into how much I will love a baby of ours that we do get to meet and cherish, if we are lucky enough to have a family one day. But that day is a long way off and the Boy and I have a lot to work through before then. At times I wonder how the Boy and I will survive this, but then I remind myself that we have to stay positive and that we can support and love each other through this. I don't know many people who I perceive to have relationships as strong as ours and I know if we keep being honest with each other we will make it out the other side of this in time. This tragedy is all too common and I know millions of people have survived this before us - and millions more will follow after us.

I've had some cramps and light bleeding today which is very upsetting - but in a way feels like a small relief. At least everything is happening as it should, which hopefully means that tomorrow will go as well as it can, and we can say goodbye to our first little dear baby in as peaceful a way as possible. I don't know how I will feel and how it will be - I don't want to fall apart, but I am pretty fragile at the moment and I know that could easily happen. I feel so proud of our baby that it clung on and lived for 13 weeks when everything was against it, and I want to show the same fight and character if I can, and make the baby proud of us in return. We've decided to make an entry in the hospital's memorial book if we can, and I may visit the hospital chapel to say goodbye if it feels appropriate or of any comfort. The Boy has also been in touch with the local church to find out about ways we can say goodbye there. I think we would both find this helpful.

While we go through our little tragedy, the world is obsessed with the Royal Wedding today. William and Kate got married at Westminster Abbey at 11am this morning. She looked very beautiful and it brought back such happy memories of our wedding day, which was the happiest day of my life and on a par with the day we found out we were pregnant. It was all incredible and I felt happy for them both. Being married to your soulmate is an incredible feeling which I wish everyone was able to experience.

However, I suspect in future when I hear about the Royal Wedding I will always be reminded of what a sad day it is today for me and the Boy, preparing to go into hospital tomorrow and go through the painful procedure of finally losing our baby. I'm trying to be brave but I am scared, and I know the Boy is too. Perhaps at least when I return home we can begin to grieve, say goodbye, and start to move on.

Goodbye Baby Beans

It's with a heavy heart and a huge sense of emptiness that I report that the Boy and I have sadly lost our baby. We had a scan on Tuesday which revealed our little peanut's heart had stopped beating, probably a day or two beforehand. The cliches trip off my tongue, I feel like my heart has been ripped out and the stuffing knocked out of me. I feel like I've been turned inside out and put back together differently. This disappointment has changed me and it feels like I'm looking at the world through different, darker, more fragile and vulnerable eyes.

It's very difficult to know what to write and where to start. I had a horrible nightmare on Monday night during which the sonographer told me she couldn't hear a heartbeat, which was pretty upsetting and I woke up early on Tuesday morning very agitated. I was very anxious about the appointment. My heart was pounding as we waited in the reception area to be called into the scan. I'm not sure if I knew subconsciously that something was wrong, or if it was just me worrying a lot as normal - I know I have held a lot of anxiety during the pregnancy thus far. But sadly for us, our darkets fears were realised and our baby is not to be this time.

The sonographer was very kind and gave us the news gently, as I reached for the Boy's hand and we both tried to take in those awful words "I'm sorry, I can't find a heartbeat". I think we both knew before she spoke though. The scan looked different to the last one and I felt her awkwardness. It's a very strange thing to have your worst fears realised, and to have the thing you dread the most - your most awful nightmare - transcend into reality. As the Boy and I's hopes drained away and we were overtaken by silent and muffled sobs, I couldn't begin to comprehend that this was actually happening to us. It's something I've dreaded since before we even tried to conceive, one of the saddest events I could forsee unfolding and unfortunately it was just as painful as I imagined. Everything changed for us in a matter of minutes - instead of excited expectant parents waiting to hear more about our baby, we were suddenly bereft. Grieving parents instead, mourning the loss of what might of been, and of a relationship with our baby we will never know, or experience.

It seems both my blood tests showed low hormone levels which indicate all was not well with the baby - so I suppose at least we have half a reason to cling to, which will hopefully stop us torturing ourselves about what we could or should have done differently in the difficult days ahead. The doctor explained that if the baby had survived I would have had to have been very closely monitored during the pregnancy as there would have been cause for concern. It seems the baby could have been badly disabled and there could have been some impossible decisions for the Boy and I further down the line. At least we have been spared that. The doctor also explained that while miscarriage is fairly common, it is much more rare this late on in pregnancy especially when we'd had such a positive and healthy scan only a few weeks ago and seen our little peanut and heard the heartbeat, so we have been very unlucky.

We were taken to a quiet room in the hospital and we spent quite some time together crying, talking and cuddling. We were there a few hours although now it feels like just a few minutes, it is all becoming a blur in my memory, a hazy fog I don't want to return to focus. I am reminded yet again how amazing the Boy is and what a wonderful partner I have, as he couldn't have given any more to the situation or been any more supportive to me. He cried, talked about his disappointment and dashed hopes, his sadness and how he felt, and he listened to me, held me and was there with me the whole way. We had to talk to a couple of nurses and some doctors about our options and it felt increasingly surreal - having come to the hospital to have our next routine scan, we were suddenly choosing how my missed miscarriage would be medically managed. It was all very emotional and I didn't feel like it was happening to us. It felt like I was watching a film screen flicker by and I was watching the characters suffer from afar like a soap opera.

The staff were all exceptionally kind and were very supportive. They helped us make the decision that we will manage the miscarriage through a dosage of pills. As the miscarriage is 13 weeks this will involve a short hospital stay for me. Our only other viable option was an operation under general anasthetic, but this comes with risks of damage to the womb which could impede future pregnancies, as well as the standard risks from having a GA. The process began today. I had to go in first thing and take a pill that will begin to relax my womb and its contents, and then I return on Saturday to take some pills that will encourage my womb to contract and pass the "conception matter" as they call it. My heart breaks just writing this down. I am scared about how Saturday will be as I have been warned there will be pain and mess and I am dreading feeling the contractions, but mostly I feel so numb and sad inside. I really wanted this baby and I loved it so much already. The Boy would have been an amazing father to it and I ache for the fact that 1st November will come and go this year, but there will be no baby. I feel devastated and lost that I will never meet him or her, never see which of us he or she looked like, and never know if he or she would have enjoyed art, football, reading or dance. We were a third of the way towards meeting our baby Beans and I was already overcome with excitement and hopes for the future.

But I have to stay strong, and while as a bereavement counsellor I know I must keep talking and keep being honest about my feelings and exploring them with the Boy and our (very strong) support network, I also want to stay positive. The Boy and I live a very blessed life and we have a lot to be thankful for. This is a dark time in our shared history, but it will pass. It will take time and space for us to work through what has happened, but we will get there, and I have every confidence we will be a closer and stronger couple for it. If it's possible I love the Boy even more after what we've been through these past 48 hours or so. He is more than one in a million and I absolutely treasure him. I couldn't be anything like the person I am without him by my side, and that's exactly where he'll be as this tragedy unfolds and develops.

It has been very difficult telling our friends and families, and at a point yesterday my eyes were so red and raw I wondered whether I had any more tears to cry. Everyone has been fantastic and so supportive. We've been overwhelmed with messages of love and care. We are surrounded by people who adore us and want the best for us, and that is a comfort in this difficult time. Again, I am reminded that we have much light and love in our life and that we have a lot to be thankful for. Our time as parents will hopefully come one day, and I'm sure this experience - torturous and upsetting as it is - will help us become better people for the future.

So, for now we have to begin to say goodbye to our baby. He or she will always be our first baby and I plan, when I am a little stronger, to make a little box with our pictures of the baby, and some cards we have been sent and have given each other. I'll never forget my first baby and I hope that he or she is somewhere safe and warm now, and that he or she didn't feel any pain, but knew that they were wanted and loved. This is for you baby Beans, may you sleep well little one...

I'll lend you for a little while a child of mine God said
For you to love the while he lives and mourn for when he's dead
It may be six or seven years or forty two or three
But will you 'til I call him back take care of him for Me
He'll bring his ways to gladden you and should his stay be brief
You'll always have his memories as a solace for your grief
I cannot promise he will stay as all from earth return
But there are lessons taught below that I want you all to learn
I've looked this whole world over in My search for students true
And from the folks that crown life's lane I have chosen you
Now will you give him all your love nor think labour vain
Nor hate Me when I come to take this lent child back again?
I fancied that I heard them say Dear Lord Thy Will be done
For all the joys Thy child will bring the risk of grief we'll run
We'll shelter him with tenderness we'll love him while we may
And just for having loved him forever grateful stay

The dawn treader...

Morning all. The starts seem to be getting earlier - 5.10am this morning. I'm starting to wonder if I might get more sleep when the baby arrives! I tried to get back off to sleep again, but while the body was willing the mind wasn't having it and was whirring into overtime mood (as usual) so I've decided to potter about a bit and then try and snooze when I've got some jobs out of the way. We're heading down to Kent to see my parents late morning and catch up on all their news, so there's a few bits I want to get done before we leave.

The Boy and I went out for a lovely anniversary meal last night to Silk - an Asian fusion restaurant attached to the Hilton by Regent Street. We had an amazing dinner and a perfect time. It was a really special night and both the Boy and I can't stop grinning from ear to ear at the moment. It's the same feeling as when we got engaged and then married - and we're both getting face ache again! It's as if telling everyone about the baby has let us relax, and now it's not a secret any more neither of us are holding anything like the amount of anxiety we were carrying with us before. While we're both a little nervous about our next scan on Tuesday, neither of us can wait to see our baby again, and we have a sense that everything will go as it's meant to be now.

My tiredness is still kicking in so I was ready to come home and collapse by 9.30pm. How times change! Party shoes have well and truly been hung up - and I'm actually loving that. The Boy and I both felt exhausted just looking at some young girls we passed on the way home in micro dresses and enormous heels just heading out for the evening. We've moved on from those days, and the Boy and I are both delighted that's the case - a reaction which caught me by surprise as we have both been complete party animals in our time, definitely the leaders of our groups on that front... first ones to a party and last ones dancing at 4am. I never thought I'd get bored of being out and socialising, but I think it's true what they say that you can grow out of it, and I am so ready for another dimension to our lives. I guess I have spent more than 15 years partying, which puts it into perspective somewhat! No wonder I've had enough and am ready for something new...

I'm hoping as we edge towards the second trimester the tiredness will ease up a bit. It's definitely been the hardest symptom for me to deal with so far. The nausea has been difficult but manageable, and I haven't really had any other issues as the metallic taste in my mouth and sore breasts only lasted about 24 hours. I'm someone who loves - in fact, needs - to be doing about five things at once, so to find myself sapped of the energy to even make a cup of tea has been quite difficult. Though also an eye opener. I've realised it is possible for me to do nothing and enjoy it, and I've come to understand that relaxing is actually quite nice and perhaps some jobs can wait and I don't have to be running around doing everything at once.

I picked up another pregnancy magazine yesterday, this time Mother & Baby. I'm still trying to find a pregnancy magazine that I feel speaks to me, and that I can really get on with. So far I've found them all as if they're aimed at someone else, with a few articles of interest but nothing that I can stick my teeth into from start to finish.

However there is one common theme with these mags. I find it completely bewildering how many different products there are to buy for babies - there seem to be every kind, type and colour of pushchairs on the market with functions I don't even understand let alone know if we need! And I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed about which moses basket, cot and changing table we should get - and that's before we get to all the smaller bits! I think I'm going to meet up with some of my mum friends over the next few months and pick their brains and get a shopping, or 'wish', list together of what we might need. I have a tendency to over fuss and over plan and, as much as I love a good shop, I don't want to buy lots of lovely things that we won't use.

Happy anniversary

The Boy and I are celebrating our first wedding anniversary today! Somehow it's a whole year since we stood up in St Nicolas Church in Bookham, Surrey, in front of our friends and family and pledged our commitment to each other.

It was the happiest day of my life. I was incredibly nervous waiting outside the church door to walk in, but as soon as I saw the Boy waiting at the altar and we exchanged loving glances and squeezed clammy hands, I felt like we were the only two in the room. The Boy has a way of making me feel like that. We could be surrounded by people in the busiest of crowds, but just one look from him and there's only us.

Friends have asked me if anything has changed between us since we've been married and I would say yes and no. No, because we're still the same people who do what we've always done, and who still want the same things as we always have. But yes, because now we're our own unit, our own family, and when it comes down to it, life is now predominantly about the two of us. We are each other and every day we become more inter twined, so it's hard to tell where one finishes and the other begins. Even more so now there is a baby Beans on the way.

I think I've gushed enough already in these pages previously about my sublime feelings for the Boy, so I'll save you from a repeat performance - suffice to say I'll be pinching myself today, as I do everyday, that I am married to the most fantastic, amazing, kind, honorable, handsome, loving and funny person I have ever had the pleasure of meeting in my life. Scrap getting that lottery ticket. I hit the jackpot a long time ago.

This time last year...

The Boy and I are swiftly approaching our first wedding anniversary - on Saturday, St George's Day, we will have been a Mr and a Mrs for a year. It's such a cliche but I can't believe the time has passed so quickly, although I am reaching the point where I can't really recall what life was like before I met the boy. I suppose they say 'time flies when you're having fun', and it's certainly been the best year of my life.

So many happy memories from the last 12 months jostle for pole position in the forefront of my mind, but I don't think we've ever been happier than we are now, with our baby on the way and a whole new kind of life together to look forward to. It still feels too good to be true to me, that I can be this happy and have everything I've ever wanted, but I'm starting to relax and enjoy it. It has been fantastic sharing the news with friends, family and colleagues who have all been so thrilled for us both and so supportive - and we get to tell a few more of our closest friends our news tonight as we are throwing a little anniversary party at Empire Towers for our nearest and dearest. I've dusted the flat from top to bottom and the fridge is full of champagne (only a glass or two for me!) so let the good times roll! There seems to be a lot to be happy and thankful just now - long may that continue...

I'm feeling a bit more back to normal again after another bout of nausea and tiredness towards the end of our trip to Venice. Now I'm tiptoeing towards 13 weeks the first trimester has passed already - we're a third of the way there, and well on our way to meeting our baby. Eek! I've started to wonder what he or she (I still very much feel like it's a boy) will look like - between you and me, for personal and selfish reasons I'm hoping it has it's father's small peanut head, rather than my huge bonce! I seem to be a bit better with food again as well, although large pieces of either fish or meat are still turning my stomach, as is the smell of food cooking. For that reason we've gone for a cold buffet of nibbles tonight. Not quite up to our usual hospitality standards, but I'm sure no one will notice once the champagne begins to go down.

The sun is still shining on London, and on us. Tonight is the start of a happy weekend of celebrations. Tomorrow we will picnic in the park and plan our anniversary trip to Rome, Saturday we have a Duck Tour of Greenwich planned in the afternoon before a special dinner at Silk, before a barbecue at my parents house in Sevenoaks on Easter Sunday. So much to look forward to and enjoy. I'm running out of fingers to count my blessings on.

Cat's out the bag!

This morning I've had the pleasure of telling a few friends and colleagues our news, and it has been just brilliant. A really positive experience. Everyone has been absolutely lovely and really excited for us - and my colleagues hadn't guessed so I obviously hid my tiredness, sickness and not drinking a lot better than I thought! I'm even more excited to share the news with a couple of girl friends tonight, and at a gathering for our first wedding anniversary on Thursday. It feels a very happy time indeed.

Back in business

Greetings! It feels like an age since I updated my blog. We went to Venice last Tuesday and we had the most amazing time - a stunning, beautiful, unique place. It was the perfect location for the Boy's Mum's 60th and the weather was very kind to us, the sun shining down on us every day glistening on the canals. I really enjoying wandering around and losing myself in the place. Another piece of history waited for us at every street corner, and soaking up the rich atmosphere was blissful. It's a very romantic place, and I loved sharing the time with the Boy, strolling hand and hand down little cobbled streets or across beautiful bridges, and just occasionally catching each other's eye and smiling. It was a happy time.

We were supposed to come back on Friday, but due to a baggage handlers strike by ATA we weren't able to fly back until Monday afternoon - so the trip unexpectedly doubled in length! This development had its upsides as we got to take in day trips to Verona and Treviso, but there were downsides as the Boy's Mum missed a big 60th birthday party that she'd planned, I missed watching my beloved City beat long-time enemies Manchester United in the FA Cup semi final to secure a place in the final (City's first final in 30 years!) and we also missed our 12 week scan which should have been at 12 noon yesterday. But we've managed to get another appointment for next Tuesday morning for the nuchal scan and tests, so we haven't lost out too much we just have a slightly longer wait - and as we've had the normal scan we are going to start telling friends and family this week. It's my grandma's 91st birthday tomorrow (hope I have her genes!) and I've put a note in the card. Plus we have our anniversary party on Thursday so we can tell most of our good friends in person then.

It was exciting telling the Boy's family the news. The Boy had the great idea of putting a picture from our scan in an envelope, and giving it to his Mum as an 'early birthday present' while we had breakfast in Gatwick Airport. She was really thrilled and it's great they know and can share in our special news, and be part of our excitement. I've enjoyed it just being the Boy and I knowing, but it feels right to have the families involved now.

I find myself a little nervous about beginning to tell our friends. I feel a bit superstitious that the more people know, perhaps the more chance there is of something bad happening. But I know that's just me worrying and being silly. It's the right time to begin to confide in good friends - we'd rather do as much of this in person as we can, and as we are seeing lots of friends and family this week and over Easter it makes sense to do this now. Starting with drinks with a couple of girlfriends tonight in Chelmsford... I'll let you know how I get on!