Thursday 3 May 2012
So here we are - halfway through. Today I am 20 weeks pregnant - and I'm trying to enjoy it. My mind is very much preoccupied by the scan we have on Wednesday, but I am doing my best to take a deep breath and believe that all will be well. The dread can stay in the cupboard today - although I need to keep working on that positive mental attitude. It's rather intermittent shall we say!
I haven't really let myself think yet that we might actually get a child at the end of this pregnancy - that still seems too far away and too much to hope for. But last night, when I was volunteering at the bereavement counselling charity I've been involved with for the last year, I started to think a little about parenting and the relationship we have with our parents.
I had a client who lost her father a couple of years ago - she had tried to work through the loss on her own, but his death was very complicated as the family found out a lot of secrets about him when he was on his deathbed. There were a lot of unresolved issues between them when he died, and I wondered during the session about the sadness of the client sitting there and telling me about the very upsetting relationship she had with her father throughout her childhood, and how much she wishes things could have been better between them. I also had another client who spoke to me about how difficult her relationship is with her mother - and how she sometimes wishes it had been her mother that had passed away instead of her father.
To me, those are very sad statements to hear - but in my experience as a counsellor they are all too common ones. While I've been at the charity most of my clients have reported very strained relationships with one or both parents. While the first client was speaking my mind drifted slightly and I wondered if a child of mine would feel that level of sorrow and regret that our relationship had not been stronger; if a child of mine would cry itself to sleep because of tensions within the family; or if a child of mine would be unsure whether it was loved or valued. I'm sure every parents likes to think not - but difficulties do happen and rifts can all too easily arise.
I really hope that the Boy and I get a chance to be parents to this baby, and I really hope that we can be honest enough and open enough with each other to do a good job as parents. I believe that with the experience of our losses, the Boy's trusting nature and sincerity and my experience as a counsellor we can do a half decent job. Or maybe even better!