Wednesday 1 June 2011

The first time

I feel like I should be doing well today. The sun is shining, our holiday is fast-approaching, and I had a good night out last night. The Boy and I went to see one of my favourite bands, Belle and Sebastian, with some old friends (see above). It was at the Roundhouse in Camden which is a brilliant venue. They played a varied mix of old and new tunes, and I really enjoyed myself. But I'm feeling wobbly and like I've slipped back a few steps and I'm faltering. Maybe it's the tiredness from the gig, or perhaps more likely it's me being aware that a month has passed now since we lost our baby.

I suppose I'm also waiting to see if my cycle will be back to normal again and I am finding that stressful, and - if possible - I'm going to the toilet to check what's happening even more often that I did during those first 12 weeks of our pregnancy. It's a real bitter-sweet experience. I really want it to come so that I will know my body is settling down and recovering, and we can think about trying for family again. But I am also dreading it, as I couldn't have a more physical sign that I'm not pregnant and another poignant reminder that baby Beans didn't make it.

Suffice to say I'm struggling, so I'm trying to comfort and cajole myself into a happier state of mind. I know it's important to let the sad times breathe and not hide from the uncomfortable and the awkward, but I also don't want to lose sight of the love and light that is in my life and how much the Boy and I have to look forward to. So I'm thinking of firsts to try and recover that smile that belongs on my face but has skipped away into hiding somewhere. Today is the 1st of June and the first day of summer. Hopefully many more blue-tiered skies stretch ahead of us over the coming months.

And more specifically I'm thinking about firsts with the Boy - our first glimpses of each other, our first words, our first kiss, our first date... the Boy had booked a table at Strada and I wanted him to think I was feminine and ladylike so I ordered a risotto not a pizza! How times have changed - now I have the pizza and then ask what is for dessert! Our first night together, our first weekend spent solely with each other, our first holiday... we went to Lanzarote and had a fantastic time in the sunshine. When we first said we loved each other, he first moved in, when we first got engaged and when we were first married... and of course our first wedding anniversary. There was also finding out I was pregnant and seeing our baby on the scan for the first time and how mesmerised and emotional we were - and while it didn't last, the first scan was very special to us both and we won't forget it.

We have so many happy 'firsts' behind us, as well as the sadness of the loss of our first baby, that I really hope I can take heart in them and find some more comfort. I do have hope, and I know things might change, but I want to start really feeling and genuinely believing that things can be different. I want to feel that we can bring a baby home from the hospital for the first time, be parents to a baby with a beating heart for the first time, and hold our baby in our arms and watch it grow for the first time. I know it's still early days on our road to recovery and I expect I am asking too much, too soon. I know I am being impatient and unable to bide my time and wait for what I want - and the Boy and any number of my friends will tell you that's certainly not the first time for that!

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