My sunbeam

A post dedicated to my favourite picture so far of my gorgeous girl - taken on Wednesday. It is ridiculous how much I adore her. This photo may help you see why.

Back from the Wilderness!

Wow. It has been five long months since I last posted on here! So much has happened it's hard to know where to begin... but these months have simply been some of the happiest times of my life and I think perhaps I'm a lot better at writing about bad times and dark feelings than I am about the good stuff. And there has been an absolute abundance of good stuff lately!

So - to surmise what's been doing on... we finally left the big smoke in March and moved down to my home town in Kent. We took on a small rental house - two up two down - in a lovely little street of red brick Victorian terraces in the 'village' part of the town. It was pretty much the only available house to rent in our price range so we pounced on it, well I did! The Boy didn't even get to see it before we moved in it all happened so quickly! But it couldn't have worked out better. It's a 10 minute stroll from my folks (and my sister and her husband are currently living with them while they try to save to fund a deposit for a house), 5 minutes from my best friend and her family and the doctors, 10 minutes from the station, 10 minutes from the high street... you get the gist. And there is a lovely cluster of shops at the end of our road including a fab cafe, a couple of second hand and antique shops and a very nice card shop. I honestly don't think I've stopped smiling since we got her. The place absolutely feels like home and as nervous as I was about leaving London after having lived in zone one for over a decade, I honestly haven't missed it once. We are completely in the right place at the right time - for once in our lives!

The days rattle by happily. We have a good little routine here - my mother-in-law visits on a Monday morning, my Mum comes Monday afternoon, Tuesday and Wednesday mornings I take Lucy to a couple of music classes locally, and then we normally see NCT friends on a Thursday. I keep Fridays for myself and Lucy to spend together to make sure we have enough quality one-on-one time together and that if we have busy weeks or weekends then we can guarantee at least one quiet day at home. I've always loved Fridays, but now more than ever!

It's been a happy time. We've had a few great weekends away in Camber Sands on the coast, Hopton in Norfolk, and more recently in Yarmouth on the Isle of Wight. Holidays are certainly different to how they used to be - the car creaks as we set off, fully loaded with travel cot and mattress, pushchair, highchair and bags of toys! - but they are still a real treasure. It's hard to explain how much joy I feel from watching Lucy see new sights and places for the first time and how much it invigorates you seeing the world through her eyes - a scintillating and fascinating spectacle of colour and hope.

I am totally besotted with Lucy, who is now - gulp! - nine months old. While the Boy is still everything to me, Lucy rocks my world in a way that I didn't believe possible. I hang on her every word - well, babble! - and she brings such happiness to my life. I could watch her all day, and I fear I have not only become the Baby Bore I used to sneer at in my pre-motherhood days, but far surpassed her! I merrily clog up the Facebook feeds of my poor friends with photographs of her on an almost daily basis. I suspect quite a few pals have hidden my feed away actually! I know I am a total walking cliche - but I don't care. It was a bit of a bumpy journey getting my girl, and now I have her I want to share her with the world!

And on that note - here are some of my favourite snaps from the last few months - mostly featuring you know who; feel free to look away now! More soon xx

Our new street

The cricket ground around the corner

Cuddles with Lucy at 6 months

Starting weaning...

First trip to the seaside, Whitstable in April

Love her xx

Bigger now - 9 months old and in the Isle of Wight 

Uh oh...

Her again...

Managed to catch Madam smiling in a few pics over the weekend - she normally smiles away and then frowns as soon as the camera gets near her! So recording them here for posterity! (I know, I know - any excuse...).

A new look

Lucy's not the only one changing how she looks in our household, as of Christmas Eve I am a brunette after nearly three years as a blondie.

Highlights were going to be too expensive and time-consuming with a little one - hey if I had three hours to sit in a hairdressers I'd rather do something else than sit in a hairdressers, if you know what I mean - so the Boy and I bought some hair dye, took a deep breath, and hoped for the best. So far I'm loving it!

Marvellous Motherhood

The calendar tells me I have been an 'official' Mummy for four months now - although I think you become a Mum from the moment you know that you are carrying a life inside you, so my tentative steps towards motherhood began a long time ago now. I really want to record some thoughts and feelings about being a Mum here as it feels like a constantly evolving process and I don't want to forget about the journey.

Being a Mum, in my experience, is everything everyone tells you it will be. Every cliche is true. It's tough, it's difficult, it's amazing, it's unbelievable... I've felt more emotions in the last four months than I had in my whole life prior. But I've felt a new emotion in the last few weeks and it's one that is very welcome. I've felt happy and confident in myself that I am good at this, and that Lucy and I are growing really well together learning from each other every day.

I say that this is a welcome feeling because I really struggled for the first few weeks. I knew that being a Mum was going to be hard work but I don't think you can appreciate just what a potent combination sleep deprivation, keeping a newborn baby alive and your entire life changing overnight can be until you experience it. I will be honest, for most of the first couple of weeks after Lucy was born I felt sick with anxiety worrying about everything: was she feeding enough (yes), was she sleeping enough (yes), was she getting everything she needed (yes), would I ever be able to get dressed again before mid-afternoon (yes), would I ever leave the house (yes)... You get the idea! At times I even wondered if it had been the right decision to leave our old life behind. I was very, very overwhelmed.

This constant anxiety led me to feel very insecure - an emotion I haven't felt in a long time - and I really doubted my ability to be a good Mum. I didn't seem to feel this 'instinct' everyone talked about; I felt clueless as to how to care for Lucy; all of her cries sounded the same to me and I didn't know if she was hungry, tired, cold etc; and I panicked when there were times I couldn't soothe her. The Boy was a huge support to me, but my confidence was nowhere to be found and as a competent and successful professional woman, I found that very hard.

I also had dreadful trouble with breastfeeding Lucy to begin with that I really hadn't expected. We didn't have our latch right and my nipples suffered some very acute damage that meant feeding was painful every feed until we got to 7/8 weeks. Looking back how we made it that far I don't really know... at times I was literally curling my toes to get through the agony. But with some very vital help from a breastfeeding counsellor and a local breastfeeding cafe, things finally became easier and the fact that I am exclusively breastfeeding Lucy still at 17 weeks after our wobbly beginning is one of the achievements of which I am most proud.

But as much as the negative cliches are true, thankfully so are the positive ones. The minutes really do turn into hours, which become days, and silently pass into weeks... and it all gradually falls into place and becomes easier. Well it did for me, and for that I am very thankful. When I think back to how I felt when Lucy was a newborn it seems a million miles away from where I am now. I don't recognise that scared, exhausted and frightened lady - now I wear a genuine smile and have a very full heart.

It started getting better by taking little steps - coping on my own when the Boy went back to work after paternity leave, taking Lucy out on my own for a walk for the first time, taking her on a train by myself, meeting friends for lunch, joining a few local groups, taking Lucy out in the sling on my own, feeding her in a cafe for the first time... these pigeon steps gave me wings of strength and courage, and now it feels like there is no stopping us. Hand on heart every moment spent with Lucy is a delight - even when she has a meltdown! - because that maternal instinct and rush of love may have been a bit slowburn for me to begin with, but now it's here with avengeance!

I think the Boy and I have been very lucky with Lucy's character. Psychologists can argue the nature v nurture debate until the end of time, but I know that Lucy was born a very chilled out and sleepy baby. These two aspects of her temperament have been a god send.

I can take Lucy anywhere - to a nice restaurant, on public transport, to a pub, and I even took her to the Pre-Raphaelite exhibition at the Tate a few weeks back - and she copes. She isn't phased. She's happy to try new things, see different surroundings, and be sociable with new faces. This has been magic for me as it's allowed me to hang onto aspects of my previous life while adapting to my new one.

Lucy and I go out every day (weather permitting, currently on day six confined to the flat thanks to the snow!) and meet friends for coffee, lunch or a drink - and this means I still see lots of my friends who haven't had children so I don't spend my whole life talking about nappies (although this is quite a favourite subject of mine, and put me with the NCT girls and we can happily chat about this for many an hour...!).

Because Lucy is so laid back she rarely cries. We had a few tears over one nap yesterday morning, but before that it had been Wednesday last week that I'd last heard her cry. This did baffle me to begin with, but I think now that Lucy is just a very laid back and content young lady who is confident that her needs will be met by me and the Boy. I still find it bizarre she doesn't cry with hunger or to be fed - but I suppose I know when she's likely to be hungry and as I feed her on demand rather than by some kind of routine, she never has to wait too long to be fed. And this also means that when she does have a meltdown, it happens infrequently enough for me to be completely calm and relaxed and just help Lucy get back to herself. I know that she will stop crying in time, so I keep quiet and chilled and that seems to work really well for us both.

The fact that Lucy likes sleeping has also made motherhood very pleasurable for me, as it means I can get my rest and have the energy for the job. Left to her own devices she will have three/four naps in a day of at least an hour in length - giving me time for that quiet cup of tea, a little cat nap, to read a paper, or to do a couple of household chores to help me stay on top of our surroundings. She also does brilliantly at night, sleeping from 7pm to 8am with one wake up somewhere in between 3-5am for a quick feed before she goes straight back to sleep. This means I get an evening with the Boy (and a glass of wine if I fancy!) and can still recharge the batteries for the following day.

It's funny - before I had Lucy I had lots of pre-conceptions about what kind of Mum I would be and how our life would be. I had read lots of books from the Baby Whisperer to *whispers* the Gina Ford book, and I had ideas of being quite routine-led and getting Lucy to fit around our lives as soon as she arrived. And then she did arrive, and it couldn't have been clearer that the books were of very little relevance. What mattered was getting to know my little girl, making her feel safe, loved and comfortable, and working around her natural rhythms as best I could. So by ignoring all I've read and breaking every rule these books set, I now have a daughter who is alert and happy, sociable, and who sleeps well - everything I had wanted when I read them in the first place.

Right now I feel like being a Mum is everything I dreamed of and hoped for. Some days I really pinch myself that I get to spend my time looking after Lucy and watching her see and do things for the first time. It's amazing how excited I can get when she grasps at a new toy, or moves a part of her body in a new way! While I had a very, very happy life with the Boy I didn't know such joy existed - and I can't wait for the rest of our lives with her. And in being a Mum, I have a new understanding for and closeness with my own parents - and an empathy for all the other Mums out there. Keep up the good work!

Four months old

I knew I'd been a bit lax about blogging but I didn't realise I'd left it quite so long to update these pages. My little lady is now 17 weeks old - she was four months on Sunday! Here's a few of my favourite recent snaps.

 

Some photographic indulgence...

Once again I've been off these pages for far too long. It's hard to say where the time goes, but I'm very rarely in front of a computer screen these days - and if I am it's normally emailing pics of my little lady to her grandparents, or onto Facebook. Yes, I have become one of those Mums who is completely obsessed with her child and spends her whole life doting on her or sharing pics of her with the world - and in yet another moment of self indulgence please find a few photos of my 11-week-old poppet below... ;-) xx

Deja vu

Apologies once again for not writing more on here lately, but it would appear having a newborn baby takes up quite a lot of time - who knew?! Ha ha.

Life with Lucy is going really well and for the most part I am really, really enjoying it (the one per cent I don't enjoy being afternoons like yesterday when Lucy got ridiculously overtired and it took me three full hours to settle her down and get her to bed!). She's somehow 8 weeks old already now and has begun to smile and interact, and she's starting to fall into more recognisable patterns of behaviour so I feel a bit like I understand her at least some of the time. She is really beautiful and it is amazing to see her develop and change almost on a daily basis - although there was a little tear in my eye when I packed away her newborn and 0-1 month clothes the other day as she is in the 0-3 month clothes now. I guess they always say the time flies but I'm really feeling it just now.

Anyway - life has been quite busy lately and the most exciting news is that we have accepted an offer on the flat. We actually had two offers in the same afternoon and had the tension of a bidding war - which really worked in our favour and we (tentatively) have an excellent price for the flat. The guy seems very keen and serious and has already swapped solicitor details... but after the disappointment of last time we try to keep our feet grounded and just hope for the best.

I am very relieved though that we don't have to keep leaving the flat immaculate for viewings and me trotting out several times a day so the estate agents can show people around without me being there. That has been hard work with little Miss!

Our buyer has indicated he wants to exchange before Christmas and complete in the New Year, in early January... so we have everything crossed that happens and we can find a decent rental, and that we will start 2013 in a little family home in Kent. And before then - a last Christmas (hopefully!) in London to enjoy. I feel excited to take Lucy to the Winter Wonderland and the Christmas family services at Southwark Cathedral - our nearest church - but I'm sure these activities are both more for my benefit than hers!

Shelter

You have probably gathered that Family Beans haven't moved house yet. If you've been following the saga, we accepted an offer on our flat back in March, when I was just 12 weeks pregnant. In April we had our offer on a family house in Kent accepted, and the aim was for both the sale and purchase to be completed by the end of June. Sounds pretty straightforward doesn't it? And having bought two properties and sold one before, I had every hope things would progress smoothly.

Well, suffice to say that didn't exactly happen and now here we are in October - about to start all over again. Our buyer pulled out of buying our flat a couple of weeks ago, just days before we were set to exchange and complete contracts. The buyer has been incredibly slow and unreliable, so earlier in the process the Boy and I fully anticipated problems. But when we had got to the point where we had all spent money - our buyer spending over £1k on a very detailed survey of our flat! - we were optimistic the transaction would be closed off successfully.

I was bitterly disappointed that the process collapsed. I've recently had some bad news about my Mum's health and I was very keen to be near her in Kent - I was hoping time with Lucy would be a happy distraction for her at this difficult time. We also did all our antenatal (NCT classes) in Kent and I have become very close to a couple of the girls, and was muchly looking forward to seeing more of them. It is so helpful to know other new Mums when you are just starting out as a parent. We were also both ready to move from our little flat which is bursting at the seams now with baby paraphernalia (as well as everything else we had!) and move to a proper little family house with a garden. The Boy and I had both fantasised about Lucy's first Christmas being in our first family gaff.

Having the carpet pulled from beneath us has been quite a bitter blow and it took us a moment or two to pick ourselves up. The thought of starting again and having to work viewings etc around little Lucy felt somewhat overwhelming and we needed to pause and recollect ourselves. And that we did. We've now had estate agents around, instructed one to sell the property, and we are starting again from this week. Deep breath!

The good news is that the flat has rocketed in value even since March, with the redevelopment of the area. We can now how to sell for at least £20k more than the price we agreed back then - so, I suppose every cloud has a silver lining and all that... and while we would rather not be in this position we will make the best of it. We've lost the house we were going to purchase, and we've decided now to just rent in the area we were moving to at least to begin with. We're both loathe to get stuck in a chain again, and this way as soon as we have a buyer secured we can up sticks and move. Renting means we can spend some time getting to know the area better and making sure we move to the right place. Wish us luck!

Our light

A few more pics of my beautiful baby xx

 

Mummydom

Lucy will be six weeks old on Thursday - as everyone warned me the time is flying by so quickly already. Every day she is changing. Physically she's grown 12cm in length since she was born (!) and in the last three weeks she's put on about 2lbs in weight. I can feel the difference when I pick her up! Her head is bigger and she is much stronger - she can turn her head from side to side and instead of snuggling into my chest like she did when she was a newborn, she pushes herself up on her arms to look around and take in her surroundings. Trust a baby of mine to be a big nosey beak! Lucy is much more alert and she's starting to show real signs of independence - enjoying time on her gym play mat, sitting in her swing, and also quiet time chilling in her Moses basket when she's had enough stimulation from Mum and Dad.

So, I've been a Mum for nearly six weeks. Blimey it's hard work! Everyone tells you that it is, but nothing can really prepare you for what it is like to have a tiny person dependent on you for their basic needs 24/7. In some ways it's the most challenging thing I've ever done - but the rewards are indeed as huge as you imagine. And as hard as it is, it is still a lot easier than doing the job I was doing before little Miss arrived! Hearing Lucy grunt or squeak from her Moses basket when she is sleeping (no one tells you how noisy babies are when they are asleep!) is enough to make my heart burst, and when she frowns at me with her big blue eyes a little piece of me melts. I can't even describe what it is like when she smiles at me...

I've felt a whole range of emotions over the last month or so in my new role as a Mum. Many I expected, but  some aspects have definitely caught me by surprise. I certainly didn't imagine that I would have times when I would feel woefully inadequate and not good enough. I'm getting used to Lucy now, but at the beginning when I couldn't read what her cries meant and I didn't know how to soothe her, my confidence took a pretty big hit and there were times when I felt quite useless. I've actually been rather hard on myself - I'm used to being a success at everything I turned my hand to, and I admit to wanting to be the best Mum ever from the offset, when of course it is going to take time for us to learn how to be a family and get to know each other. I'm starting to feel now that I'm good enough - not flawless, but who is?! - and that I'm doing a good job... but that has taken some time and is only really kicking in now.

I also carried - and still do - quite a lot of anxiety. In the first few days I didn't sleep well at all, but kept looking at Lucy in her crib to make sure she was ok, and that she was breathing and so on. My paranoia that something would be wrong with her - I guess guided by my previous losses and the slightly unorthodox time I went through having her - was quite intense to begin with. I won't tell you just how many times I've put my hand on her chest when she's sleeping or my finger on the back of her neck to check her temperature - but it feels like rather a lot! I do worry that she is ok and that she is content - much more so than the Boy does. He has been very chilled out and seems to have taken our new addition in his stride. For me, as well as opening the door to a world of excitement and happiness (there are sooooo many experiences I can't wait to share with Lucy, so many things to teach her and moments to enjoy) another door has opened too - one where I worry for her health, her welfare and her happiness... I'm hopeful this will subside a little as time passes. It's already a lot less than it was a few weeks ago.

But I am also very proud of myself and how I am coping with Lucy. We have far more good and happy days than stressful ones. I've taken her on the train to Kent twice by myself and every day when the Boy is at work I take her out somewhere - anything from a walk round the block, to a local Mums group, to coffee or lunch with friends. Most days I manage to have a shower, clean my teeth, get dressed, pop some mascara on and feel a bit like the Beans of old - and these are all mini achievements that I couldn't imagine happening back at the end of September, there was one day the Boy and I didn't even eat anything until 4pm at the beginning! But it's starting to come together and I am confident that things will continue to go from strength to strength for us.

I also love seeing the Boy in his role as a Dad. He is so gentle, patient and loving with Lucy and I can see a special bond between them both really developing. Whereas I can get anxious and flustered when things don't go especially well, the Boy is calm and grounded, and is a welcome presence. He's every bit as good a Dad as he is a husband, and a best friend. I am very, very blessed indeed.

Gorgeous girl

This is very self-indulgent, but here are a couple of my favourite pics of Lucy from the last week. She is sooooo cute! (Although you wouldn't believe the man size farts I can hear coming from her Moses Basket as I write this... how she doesn't wake herself up with the vibrations I really don't know...!).

Pathetic postnatal care

It's not often in life I find myself so incensed or upset about something that I follow through with making a complaint. I might grizzle and moan to friends about less than satisfactory customer service, or let my the Boy know when I'm disappointed with the way something has turned out, but that is usually where I draw the line and let go of an issue and move on. I don't like to hold on to negative experiences - I used to do a lot of that in the past and it didn't agree with me. Now I find it better to spend some time processing why something has upset me and then think about how I can learn from that or do things differently, let go, and move on to the next thing life has to offer.

However, the experience I endured in the postnatal ward at St Thomas's Hospital was so bad, that for the first time in a number of years I was riled enough to formally complain. The letter below went to the hospital last week and outlines my concerns - I won't repeat them now as the letter sets it all out clearly enough, but suffice to say the experience was pretty horrific and really set me back in my first few days of looking after Lucy. But I was lucky enough to come home to a wonderful husband, a loving family (which included a midwife) and a great circle of friends, and now it all feels like quite a distant memory. However, I'm aware not every woman is lucky enough to have such a great bunch of people and so much love behind her, so I felt I owed it to people less fortunate than me to raise the points I have done formally. I've heard from the hospital that an investigation is being conducted... I will let you know of any outcomes.

Patient information team

St Thomas' Hospital
Knowledge and information centre (KIC)
ground floor, North Wing
Westminster Bridge Road
London SE1 7EH

To whom it may concern

It is with regret that I am writing to complain about the treatment I received during my recent stay in the postnatal ward at St Thomas’s Hospital from 20-22 September 2012.

I had my first baby, a daughter Lucy, by planned c-section on 20 September 2012 as she was transverse with the cord presenting. Prior to the operation I was in the antenatal ward for a fortnight, and the level of care I received there and during the operation was of a very high standard. I felt safe and respected even when it was evident the staff were incredibly busy, and I was optimistic this would continue when I moved to the postnatal ward.

However, my experience rapidly deteriorated once there and I was appalled by the level of care I received on the postnatal ward. My main concerns were:

·      -   Not being given a clean hospital gown to wear until two days after my operation, despite asking, so I was lying in a blood-soaked gown for 36 hours.

·     -    Midwives being too busy to change my blood-soaked pads on the bed, so having to lie in them for much longer than was dignified. When asking a midwife for help, I was told to do it myself, but I couldn’t see the area and it was too early for me to move about as I had only just had the operation.

·     -    A doctor saying how important it was that my catheter was removed the day after surgery so I could get up and be mobile – but I spent hours asking midwives to remove it and they didn’t until 36 hours after surgery when I was literally sobbing for it to be taken out. They were also too busy to empty it, so it was full to bursting at the side of my bed which left me feeling very unrespected.

·      -   Buzzing for assistance in lifting my daughter from her cot to me so I could nurse her and offer skin-to-skin contact, but having to wait for a long time for someone to assist me – I eventually gave up and did it myself even though it put undue strain on my caesarean wound and was painful to do so.

·      -   Conflicting advice from midwives about how to nurse my newborn – one insisted I continually nurse her for four hours straight, while another said I should only be doing half an hour at a time. No one told me the same thing.

·       -  Midwives not introducing themselves at the beginning of shifts so I had no idea who was supposed to be supporting me, and no one coming onto the ward for hours at a time to check patients were ok.

·       -  Having to buzz midwives to insist on them giving me my blood-thinning injections and pain relief – this was never offered to me proactively, I always had to remind them when I needed the medication which is a lot of responsibility for someone recovering from major abdominal surgery.

·       - Only seeing a doctor once after my caesearean – a midwife looked at my scar quickly before I was discharged but that was the only aftercare I received.

·       -  Being made to feel like an inconvenience – whenever I asked for help I was told midwives were too busy. -I asked if the breastfeeding counsellor could come to see me I was told “do you really want to make her walk in here and see you when she’s so busy”, and when I asked for advice when my baby was distressed the midwife glaring at me and saying “babies cry, deal with it”.

·       -  Hearing other women on the postnatal ward crying about the similar neglect they were receiving.

·      -   Midwives not assisting me with my wound hygiene when I got out of bed. My husband had to remove the dressing with me instead, which I do not find a satisfactory level of care.

·       -  Having to wait until day 4 before receiving a visit from a community midwife in my home.

The 48 hours I was on the postnatal ward were intolerable and spoiled my first few days with my beautiful daughter. Thankfully I have returned to a loving family home with a supportive and nurturing husband, family and friends, and community midwives have since been excellent, so I am bonding well with my daughter and enjoying every moment with her.

However, when I think back to my time in St Thomas’s after the birth it had a massive psychological effect on me and it still reduces me to tears. I don’t think I would be doing so well if I didn’t have such a strong support network so I feel I must complain in case other women have such a negative experience but are not as fortunate as me in their support network. I totally lost my confidence on the postnatal ward, and felt undervalued and like an inconvenience at all times. The only midwife who treated me like a human being was an agency midwife called Christiana. I am grateful to her.

I would like to know by return what steps you are going to put in place to ensure women receive far better treatment on the postnatal ward and make sure this level of neglect does not happen again. I am aware my negative experience was not unique just from talking to other women on my ward.

Please advise what steps you will take to ensure all new mums receive a basic level of care and have their dignity protected in response to each of the points I raise above.

After having a baby a woman can be very vulnerable and I believe the current standard of service offered by St Thomas’s postnatally is well below acceptable and I am prepared to talk to the media about the hugely disappointing level of care I received.

I look forward to your swift response.

Regards

International Day of the Girl

In honour of international day of the girl, here's me and my girl surviving our first day without Dad! As you'll have seen from my earlier post I was very anxious and lacking confidence this morning - but it's gone really well and we've managed it! Dad due home anytime now and we can't wait to see him for cuddles xx

Flying solo

Today is my first day with Lucy without the Boy. We have been very blessed to have him with us 24 / 7 the last three weeks which has been amazing. While it's been an exhausting and at times difficult few weeks, being together has made everything so much easier - two pairs of hands have certainly been better than one where little lady has been concerned! It's been like a long holiday and I must confess to feeling a certain amount of trepidation about going solo today. It does feel like I have a little case of the post-holiday blues, you know when you've come back from this most amazing trip and then real life kicks in again and the little bubble you've been in has burst. But this time my reality is Lucy and she is a complete delight (most of the time!) so I'm hoping I'll start to feel a bit calmer and more settled all the time as the hours and days go by, and that I can really start believing in myself as a Mum.

I know I will get more confident as each day passes and the first day without the Boy was always going to be a bit tricky - even when I've been looking after Lucy, he has been in the background offering support, reassurance and advice. When my instinct has been to do something for her, he has encouraged me. When things have been going less well, he's stepped in to try and soothe our lovely girl and offer a calming presence. Now it feels a bit scary trusting myself alone in the day times. I just hope I can get it right and be a good Mum. It is a big learning curve for me and Lucy! Hopefully she will be patient with me - and hopefully, probably key to all this, I can be gentle on myself and not worry too much.

Lucy was a bit grizzly after the Boy left today - we had an hour of unsettled sleep and a few tears and grumblings. But since then she's had a good feed, a bit of a cuddle and play with me, and she's now been asleep for nearly an hour and a half... I should probably be napping too, but I feel a bit anxious today as it all seems a bit new. Am far too wired to sleep! I hope as the days go by I can relax more and make the most of these quiet moments to do nothing and put my feet up! I'll keep you posted!

A new arrival in the Beans household!

Please forgive me for the lack of posts lately - the last month or so has been a bit of a whirlwind, as our beautiful daughter Lucy Grace has arrived!!! The Boy and I are completely smitten, completely knackered, and completely overwhelmed to be a family at last!

I may be a little biased but I think Lucy is the most beautiful little girl I have ever seen. It is remarkable to see her growing and changing every day and I can already see how parenthood is going to be the biggest rollercoaster of our lives. She is a very chilled out little lady (must take after the Boy!) and we feel very lucky and blessed to have her with us.

Lucy arrived on 20 September at 4.54pm weighing in at bang on 8lbs. Suffice to say the birth didn't go quite as expected... at my 37 weeks midwife appointment my midwife was a little concerned that Lucy wasn't engaged and didn't seem to be in the right position - having been head down for most of the pregnancy. I was sent up to St Thomas's Hospital for a routine scan to check what was what - where they discovered that Lucy was transverse with the umbilical cord presenting. This is extremely rare (happens in less that one per cent of pregnancies, and is even more unusual in first time mums!) and is potentially fatal - I was told that if I was to go into labour naturally at home or my waters were to break and the cord came out first, it was very likely we would lose Lucy.

So, after the scan I was hospitalised and spent nearly 3 weeks in the antenatal ward at Tommies while we hoped and prayed that Lucy would work herself into a safer position. Unfortunately I had the combination of a transverse baby, a heart-shaped uterus, and too much amniotic fluid which meant that didn't happen. She was happy as Larry wiggling away to her heart's content and mostly with her head parked behind my belly button (extremely uncomfortable!) and we couldn't get her to settle long enough with her head down to try inducing me or going for a natural birth. We gave it our best shot - and those three weeks I spent in hospital away from the Boy at the time felt like the longest of my life.

The best - and really, only - way forward to keep Lucy and I safe was a planned c-section which I had on my due date, 20 September. It wasn't what I had envisaged or wanted, but when circumstances change and you understand the risks to your baby, you have to go with the flow and be flexible. At the end of the day all that mattered was our baby came into the world alive and safe, and thankfully that is what happened.

The operation was very strange and I will write more on it another time, but the staff were very reassuring and highly skilled and everything went as well as it could done. We were still able to incorporate some parts of our birth plan - the Boy cut the cord and I had skin-to-skin with Lucy and was able to nurse her... and now she is here and is so wonderful, the way in which she came into the world seems increasingly unimportant. Physically I am healing well - and after a few hiccups with our latch Lucy is feeding well and putting on weight. Hopefully she'll be a chunkster like her Mum in no time ;-)

On that note it is probably time for me to get back to her and give her some lunch, so I will try to write some more soon about how everything has been, my beautiful girl, my wonderful husband and how we are getting on settling into family life. She's certainly turned our world upside down - but we were so, so ready for a little bit of chaos. She rocks :-) xx

Paralympics 2012

One big positive about our move to the countryside being delayed until after Baby Beans is here is that we have been in London town throughout the Olympics, and are now still in the capital while the Paralympics is on. I'll readily admit I was a huge sceptic about my beloved capital's ability to host such an event and I too easily believed the harbingers of doom, who warned our transport system would collapse and the whole experience would be a shambles.

On the contrary it has been a fantastic time to be a Londoner. As has been well reported, the atmosphere in the City has been extraordinary and there has been a real sense of belonging, kinship and goodwill around that I have particularly enjoyed. And yesterday the Boy and I got to sample a little bit of this for ourselves with tickets to explore the Olympic Park.

We had a brilliant time wandering - well, waddling! - around and soaking up the sights. The Park is huge which you don't get a feel for on the television, and some of the stadiums are really breathtaking in their design and size. It was great pootling about and we sat down by the river and watched quite a lot of the swimming on the big screen - with the rare treat of a big coffee for me, and a cider and some pork scratchings for the Boy (he is a one for simple pleasures!).

It was inspiring watching people who have battled pain and difficulty excel in their fields. I couldn't believe the ability we saw in the swimming pool, with one of the female British athletes smashing a world record just 15 months after having a baby. Suffice to say I don't think I'll be repeating that feat! But it did make me think a little about what the mind and body can achieve with a bit of focus and dedication.

So yesterday was the starter - on Monday evening we have the main course of an evening of athletics to look forward to, followed by a dessert in the aquatics centre on Thursday night watching the swimmers in person. Well - unless Baby Beans chooses either of those nights to make its entry into the world! We'll see...

Fully grown

So we've now passed the 37 weeks marker which means Baby Beans is fully developed and can make an appearance at any time. I don't think Bub is in any hurry to say hello to the world - I certainly don't get a sense that labour is imminent like I know some women do - but it's an exciting time as every morning I wake up and wonder to myself if this will be the day. If the baby is anything like as stubborn as it's Mum though, I suspect I'll be waiting the full 42 weeks!

We've got everything in the flat ready for our new arrival and I find myself pottering about the flat and picking up little sleepsuits, imagining baby in my arms at last. I think we're as ready as we ever will be - I know the Boy will be the most amazing Dad and neither of us can wait for this next chapter to begin. I'll try and keep you posted as it does!

Lady of leisure

So somehow I've now been off a fortnight - and I've used up my remaining annual leave so today is the first day of my maternity leave. I'm just touching 37 weeks now (gulp) so Baby Beans is fully formed and could - theoretically - arrive any time now. Although I'm not getting any indications bub will be early, so I think we've a good few weeks before our crash course in parenthood begins - but we will see.

It amazes me how much more quickly the time has passed while I've been at home, and I couldn't really tell you exactly what I've been up to over the last few weeks! Everyone told me* I would be completely bored by now and would go stir crazy not having a routine. Well, our survey says 'uh-uh' - I am having the time of my life. Amongst the highlights, it's so nice to...

• stay in bed a bit longer after the Boy has headed into work and stretch out like a starfish, my toes pointing out to each bottom corner of the duvet, releasing the tension in my muscles;
• eat breakfast slowly in bed every day rather than gulp down my cereal on the kitchen sideboard while simultaneously putting my make-up on and packing my work bag;
• peruse the paper with enough time to read every word of the stories that interest me - and with no pressure to look at the stories that don't;
• watch the news as a layman - and not be thinking about whether I'll have to respond to the story on behalf of work when I get into the office;
• put on whatever clothes feel comfortable over the bump, and not what is appropriate for work - or to stay in my jammies if that's what feels best;
• pick up my book and read uninterrupted for an hour, or two - or three. Try it! Or to put on a CD (current favourite is a beautiful Debussy one) and listen to it from start to finish. Without. Doing. Anything. Else. At. The. Same. Time. Bliss...
• potter about the flat and do the daily jobs that need doing when I feel like it and spend as long as I want doing them - no longer fitting them quickly around the hundreds of other work and home-related chores I've carried in my head for the last x amount of years, never being able to do anything properly;
• spend time doing my make-up and hair properly, experimenting with different colours and hairstyles - I straightened my hair for the first time in months last week! Having the luxury of taking an hour to get ready to meet a friend for lunch or coffee (and that being the main event of my day) is blissful.
• get everything ready for when the Boy comes in, so that after work he comes in and I can get him a drink and we can sit and talk properly about how his day was, how me and Baby Beans are doing and the current affairs issues of the day while we eat a home-cooked meal at the table - sometimes even using the Sunday best crockery! 

And I really could go on and on - and on. So, suffice to say I'm nowhere near bored yet - and I know this period is time limited and that soon enough once again I won't have time for any of these seemingly mundane activities. I think boredom and being bored is a very relative and individual state. I've had so little time in my own company that it is still a huge novelty and every day feels like an indulgence. Perhaps I would get tired of this routine given a little longer to enjoy it - but I'm not convinced, despite what 'everyone' says...

* 'Everyone' likes to tell you a LOT of things when you are pregnant - what the process is like, how everything is going to be, what is going to change and so on. For me, the best approach is to smile sweetly and nod, while in my head yell 'shut up shut up shut up, this is my individual experience, not yours' - so far it's working nicely ;-)

Bump update...